28 February 2011


I am in this mood – I feel like crying and go upstairs to bed or go to the shop and buy all kinds of snack and candy. Me in ‘escaping’ mode.

I do not want to start a Mind Construct on my Mother; I do not want to bother myself with all this stuff that’s coming to the surface – and so on. Sulking and Mocking – Mommocking. sulking

It’s obvious I’ve got some self forgiveness to do: I do not want to go there because somewhere in the past, some years after she died, I’ve decided to not grant her the pleasure to be bothered by her anymore (lol yes – she being in heaven and watching me: that was the picture) – I was, and obviously still am, that spiteful. I’ve told her many times ‘ha! you’re dead and I am still here and I won’t forgive you – suffer your suffering – I do not want any part of it anymore’.

After she died I was in fear for years of her coming back to haunt me. At one point I did overcome this by being very clear I was tired of her possibly coming to haunt me and stated that she was nothing more than a dead bag of bones and if she insisted on haunting me, ok, but stop keeping me awake. I did put her next to me in my bed, this bag of bones picture and said: now, I’m going to sleep and don’t you dare waking me up!

lol odd story – but that’s how I faced that fear. Wasn’t scared anymore after that.


Ok – taking responsibility: it is not about her, it is about what I have accepted and allowed, starting with this mockery.

lol still feel like snacking – but now I’m just hungry :)

My mother the Demon part 1
My mother the Demon part 2
My mother the Demon part 3 - Finale
The Devil in her Eyes
Saying Goodbye to my Mom

27 February 2011

Love – redefining the word love

heart-shaped-cloud1I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the duality of conditional-unconditional – instead of realizing Love is. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the definition of love – the way the definition of love was taught to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mistake the love I perceived as love for Love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I learned to be love – is actually what I need to survive.


Definition of love - how I was taught by example & experience:

  • There is a limit to how much love I am able to receive or give
  • I must be a good girl to be qualified to receive love
  • I am obligated to love my parents
  • I am not allowed to say or think nasty things about my parents= not loving
  • To love is to please (=being considered a good kid)
  • Love is not given freely and in abundance
  • I am obligated to love my sisters and other family
  • Love is: being faithful = you should not love someone else as much or at all
  • Love is being loyal - at all cost
  • I am not supposed to love strangers
  • I am not supposed to love for no reason
  • To love someone is to hurt someone and getting hurt
  • To love is to be dependent = token of love ‘I can’t live without you’


Definition of love – dictionary:

  • A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
  • A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
  1. Sexual passion.
  2. Sexual intercourse.
  3. A love affair.
  • An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
  • A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.


New definition of love:

  • Love is unconditional – otherwise it is not love, but conditions.
  • There are no restrictions nor rules to how and whom to love.
  • There is enough Love for everyone.
  • Love is not restricted to a certain time; love is every minute of the day.
  • Loyalty is not to be mistaken for Love: loyalty is restraining Love.
  • Love does not harm nor does Love restrain expression.
  • Love is not a reward – Love simply is.
  • Love cannot be bought – it is free and abundant.
  • Someone withholding his love, is not Loving.
  • Love is not soothing – but can be like a wip: to do whatever is necessary to wake you up from dreaming.
  • Love has always the best interest for all at heart – never mistake self-interest for Love.
  • Sex is not Love – sex is a physical expression.
  • Love does not choose: either love all or love is not.
  • Love is; taking responsibility for who and what you are.
  • Loving yourself = Loving your neighbour as yourself; otherwise it is not Love, but self-interest.
  • Love is restraining yourself from harmful actions.



Self Corrective Statements

  • When and as I see myself participating in conditional loving – I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not acting in love but in self-interest. I realize love is without conditions or love is not. I let go of conditions. I stand stable as the directive force – here.
  • When and as I see myself participating in love that is hiding what is here – I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not acting in love but in self-interest. I realize love is embracing whatever is here, in reality. I let go of hiding. I stand as embracing what is here. I am the directive force – here.
  • When and as I see myself participating in love that is restricted to family and friends – I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not acting in love but in self-interest. I realize I am restricting myself and all. I investigate how to let go of the restriction of family and friend-bonds. I breathe. I stand as the directive force – here.
  • When and as I see myself participating in back chat – in thought, words or action – I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not acting in love but in self-interest. I let go of the back chat for I realize I am participating in harming life. I am the directive force – here.

17 February 2011

2011 Freedom of Religion vs Animal Suffering

ritueel slachten 
In Dutch politics they discuss a law that will forbid animals being slaughtered without anaesthetic. Some of the animals over here are still being killed for meat production without any anaesthetic because of religious regulations. It is primarily the Islamic and Jewish congregation that insists on this needless suffering of the animal – to practice their religious need for ritualistic cruelty.

The majority of the Dutch government holds the opinion that Freedom of Religion is of greater importance than decreasing Animal suffering in the slaughterhouses…

This is absolute unacceptable! Whatever Freedom should not mean you can do whatever you like with living beings – in this case animals.

humans are nazis
It is very likely this law will not make it: the ritual slaughtering will continue.
In an Equal Money System we will not tolerate this kind of “freedom”. There will be no freedom to do whatever you want at the expense of other beings: we will all be equally responsible for Life!
Walk with us – visit: Equal Money for All

|see also: Freedom of Religion vs Animal Suffering - continued|

15 February 2011

Trafficking in human organs in Kosovo

The former Kosovo Liberation Army abducted Serbian nationals; they were held prisoner in secret places of detention in northern Albania and were subjected to inhuman and degrading treatment, before ultimately disappearing. Organs were removed from prisoners at a clinic on Albanian territory, to be taken abroad for transplantation.

Although some concrete evidence of such trafficking already existed at the beginning of the decade, the international authorities in charge of the region did not consider it necessary to conduct a detailed examination of these circumstances, or did so incompletely and superficially.

Besides a small article in the papers we are not informed about these atrocities – committed not that far away – on the same soil you and me walk on, under the same sky you and me look up at; just a two day drive away from our safe, well organized life… Do you care?

If this crime had been committed to your father or your brother – him killed for his organs to be removed and sold for a large amount of money – you would be screaming and cursing and calling your congress man night&day for this crime to be punished. Wouldn’t you?

Do you care? Or are you merely glad this didn’t happen to you and your family? Can you even imagine this happening to you? I can’t. But such atrocities did happen to our families, in WOII similar crimes were committed – so our well organized, safe lives aren’t that safe in fact. These atrocities can happen everywhere, ALSO in our well organized Holland, with all of our laws and facilities – they did happen… So wake up! Wake up to the atrocities your fellow man have to endure!

Imagine your organs being removed to make money out of trading them… For money – can you imagine that? Do you wish this upon your fellow man?

Walk with me into an Equal Money System – where no one will be killed for their organs for the sole purpose of making money. Where all humans will have food and shelter and all their basic needs full filled, where this greed for money eventually will evaporate because we do not have to fear for our survival any longer, where ALL of your fellow man will have sufficient – where we can start LIFE and stop survival.

2011 Sexual Abuse–getting used to the idea

This last week I’ve been primarily occupied by the idea of the sexual abuse by my father. I went into ‘speechlessness’ = no words to describe.
I granted myself time to get used to the idea that this might have actual happened.
I’ve read on the internet some stories of people that had been sexual abused in childhood – but that wasn’t of any interest at all to me. You know, everyone is capable of sexual abusing their child, but not my Dad! lol
One of the characteristics of a sexual abused child by the parent – is that of total adoration of the parent. And the absolute need to protect the parent.
Well, that’s me :) My main struggle at the moment is to let go of this strong belief ‘I have to protect my father’ – at all cost. And to see what lies beneath. My adoration of my father, well, that had already diminished over the years, but there is still this strong belief of ‘my father would never ever do such things!’

What will be the layer revealing when I’ve actually let go of protecting?
I suspect anger. There are some flashes of anger coming up – but gone as quick as they came.

09 February 2011

Our Right to Breath exhaust gas

n Dutch news: Over 275 elementary schools are situated in close range of the freeway – which is considered very unhealthy for the kids because of exhaust gas, especially for asthmatic reasons. This concerns over 60.000 children.
Dutch politicians now consider elementary schools will no longer be built in such close range to freeways.

file Equal Money SystemWTF!? So this is considered unhealthy for these 60.000 kids but they will have to go to school anyway in the same conditions  even though it is established being harmful to their health? We just in future will situate any new school to build 10 meters farther away? Is this the solution we come up with?!
So these 60 000 children are NOT considered. So all adolescent children that are in high schools situated in close range of free ways are NOT considered. So all adults (and their children) that live in houses situated in close range of the freeway are NOT considered.  Even though we are familiar with the destructive effect on our health caused by the extensive use of cars – we merely decide to only act in future: to situate new schools a few meters farther away…
How foolish and ignorant – let’s bury our head in the sand. We will NOT consider the cause of the harm that is done to the health of our children – and ours. We will NOT stop and think WHO causes this. We will NOT even consider to stop driving our petrol driven cars. We will NOT regard the devastating effect our ‘high standard of living’ has on our health – now I am not even speaking of the devastating effect our high standard of living has on the health of the people in the rest of the world. We WILL NOT stop driving our cars! Our car is considered more holy than god himself… It is our RIGHT to drive a car – a right we will not give up, no matter what.

nce the Equal Money System is established we will not just go on driving cars and planes and all other vehicles driven by gas or other polluting substance – we will invest in vehicles that are environmentally safe, on a large scale. The technology is already available - has been available already for many years, but the interest (MONEY) of the large companies (multi nationals like Shell for instance) is at stake when it comes down to environmental safety – money first, THEIR money first; which means we are told we NEED their product (gas). Well, this is not true – we CAN drive cars that are not polluting the air. And we all know this! It is public knowledge – we are all being informed by television, newspapers, magazines, internet. Why aren’t we moving ourselves?! Why do we not state, as a group, we will not drive a car any longer that is endangering the health of our children – we are done with it. Till here and no further!
I see no riots, no demonstrations, not one Dutch parent stand up and speak: till here and no further – I will no longer allow our ego-driven cars to endanger the health of our children! Not one!
Is it because we place our first interest in MONEY ourselves? Are we like Shell, in our small private world – I have first of all my own self interest at heart – even if that means I’ll put my child’s health in danger. Or someone else’s child. Or you go: what can I do? My neighbour will still go on driving his oil driven car… And your neighbour thinking the same thought: so nobody moves. Or: the government should take care of this, I’m not to be bothered – I just live by the rules.
All childish arguments. We are not children anymore. We do have power. We do have  self willed power to change the world – you have a Vote. Start on a small scale, in your own private world. Stand up for a healthy environment, stand up for an Equal Money System. Every small ripple makes a wave. Inspire yourself to act for a healthy breath of air. Inspire your neighbour to do the same. And your neighbour inspiring other neighbours…. The small scale will grow into a larger scale. The larger scale will grow into large scale, into world wide scale. So there is no excuse at all for not moving!
To establish a healthier environment for our children and children to come: be One Vote for an Equal Money System! Join us at http://desteni.co.za

04 February 2011

To Be or Not to be (sexually abused)

’m working on a Mind Construct of my father – the ranting and raving part. Something is withholding me from writing about this point I need to write out, and ‘go public’ with.
I’m having a hard time breathing now, hands shaky. Nah, let’s go and watch some tv :)
Ok, let’s get done with it: I feel my Dad sexually abused me but I’m not sure.  There are some flashes, and it tested out to be true, but…. What if this is not true – then I am accusing him falsely. What if this is true: then I do not want to know… I do not want anybody to think ‘badly’ about my Dad – whether he did this or not. Doesn’t matter he is dead, for years now, he is still my Dad.

So why write about it? Because this is bothering me, imprisoning me and by watching some more tv it isn’t going away. So far I’ve preferred doubt and guilt over knowing – and with that not ‘processing’ it. So self dishonest.


Omhoog wijzendMy father sexually abusing me

Omhoog wijzendor not

Common Sense: the question whether my father did ‘it’ or not, is not valid. It is me that is keeping the issue ‘alive and kicking’ and feeding the ‘emotional knot’ I’m placing myself in by making it a question. Making the issue way more bigger than myself. Both possibilities I have to investigate: what it entails for me when there was indeed sexual abuse and also: what it means when it did not take place. The whole range of reactions involved.

I’ve actually convinced myself in the past I was done with this ‘sexual abuse’ stuff. So not true. In writing about my Dad it was inevitable the sexual abuse was to be mentioned – but I didn’t anticipate I would get that upset – again – by it. 

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