Didn’t do much the rest of the day. Made some soup for Dj and ate some myself, reluctantly. Went to bed to see if the pain would decrease doing some exercises,. At one point I felt I had to puke. I never liked puking, always felt this strong resistance towards puking. I don’t know why. I only remember two times puking.
Once when I was a kid, playing with this coin, in my mouth – I swallowed it by accident. It came back immediately, with the dinner I had. Although I had a fright, I remember I was fascinated also. And glad I had my coin back :)
The other puking incident was when Dj and me moved out of the apartment - I was in the process of packing, and cleaning up: for several days I worked hard from early to late. At one point, after a meal, my body had this strong movement, this urge of puking. I tried to resist because I feared letting go, but my body just did the puking anyway. I experienced it as a nasty, overwhelming and disturbing event.
Yesterday I resisted again. I was very reluctant of ‘letting go of’, I guess of letting go of control – because that’s what happens: I resist but body needs to release. It scared me to surrender. The Dutch word ‘overgeven’ also means ‘surrender’. I tried to stop the puking, but then calmed myself down, and let it happen. Let body do what it needed to do. Breathing and be in the moment.
Although I still do not like it that much, it wasn’t that bad after all. And the relief afterwards is cool. So, this was a cool experience – just let go :)
The practical application of ‘letting go’.