The priority point I’ll be working with regards to my relation with B = Sharing Sharing in general with all people
Ok, sharing – earlier on I’ve stated “sharing, that’s me” I do identify myself as being a sharing person. As far as I can remember I was as a kid sharing – not necessarily my candy, but being ‘social’, caring about other people’s welfare and if needed, sharing with them what I had.
Supproting word = Hennepziel v (m) kern van hennep in een stalen kabel
/literal translation: Soul of Hemp - Core of hemp in a steel cable
Hmm, don’t know what to make of that… Meaning the core of sharing is delusional like with drugs or/and strong like hemp?
Meaning the core of sharing is delusional like with drugs… confirm, yes
It is funny though that the word hemp comes up in relation to B because she has been smoking marihuana for a long time and was addicted to it for the first years of our friendship – without me noticing/acknowledging that was mainly the reason for her constant lack of money. I gave her some money every once in awhile – which I regretted later on when I realized why she always lacked money. People tell me I’m good with money, I am not so sure of that, but that’s beside the point – I’ve always managed to have enough money, even save some, without being miserly. I’ve always bought what I wanted (within certain restrictions – I mean, I don’t have the money to buy really expensive stuff) but when I am going overboard, I restrict myself, to not spend any money besides buying food till there is enough money again. And when there is enough, well, I like to share my ‘abundance’ with a person that is having a difficult time. At one point I realized – geez, these people, they get the same amount of money every month as me, why do I take care of their shortage????These people spent their money on stuff that I don’t spent money on – they live a more ‘luxurious’ life than I do. For instance I am not in the habit of buying luxurious food, but my sister is, she smokes cigarettes while I make my own – she is always short on money, but has the luxury of ready made cigarettes, so why should I give her money? So I stopped doing so or feeling guilty for having some money when they don’t. I do not know why I even feel guilty for it – because I am ‘good with money’, a skill to cope with money? (do I? or is this just people talking? My parents used to tell me this too – but I never totally agreed – I just didn’t know on what to spend my allowance on, that’s why I still had money in my pocket by the end of the month)
Is this relevant to ‘hennepziel’? yes
Ok, still not sure what to make of ‘hennepziel’ Soul of hemp.
So what is the core of ‘real sharing’? What is best for all. What is best for all? I know it isn’t my sharing of money – because of what they are spending their money on. I’ve supported them in keeping themselves pre-occupied with their fears. Still – where does my ‘need’ for sharing originate from? Why is there this need to ‘overflow’, to share ‘my abundance’? Abundance always being something that is labeled positive: money, stuff, laughter, wisdom, support, time, attention, care, happiness… I‘ve never shared my abundance of grief, or worry or etc.
Soul of Hemp - Core of hemp in a steel cable
Core and Hemp are specific relevant to this priority point, not soul, neither steel cable
Meaning the core of me wanting to share is delusional – holding false beliefs.
I do experience a kind of stubbornness within me, in my stomach area - I do not want to let go of the picture of me being a 'sharing person'.
chat
‹Ingrid› Resonances, I would like some perspective on sharing please - myself experiencing as a sharing person, sharing my abundance
‹Resonances›Ingrid - Muscle Test the following: Is my experience of abundance energetic, to hide my actual experience of guilt?
‹Ingrid› tested out: yes
‹Resonances› So - Ingrid, what guilt towards people are you trying to hide within-yourself, through making it up to them in a way, through wanting to share an 'abundance' that's not real, and do not exist = because all that is there, is guilt = you've manifested a polarity opposite for yourself as abundance to hide quilt towards people
‹Ingrid› geez, I'm in the dark, for now - quite a new perspective for me...
‹Resonances› Ingrid - Muscle Test the following: Do I feel guilty because of my experience of treating people unfairly?
‹Ingrid› tested twice: no
‹Resonances› Ingrid - okay, muscle communicate this question: Do I experience guilt towards people, because of how I've treated them?
‹Ingrid› tested: Yes
‹Ingrid› I've acknowledged me feeling guilty because of the dishonesty in me towards other people - but lol I do not see what sharing my abundance and the guilt... It seems to be not related, different people etc hmm have to take a real close look at this construct
‹Resonances› So - Ingrid, now you look specifically at, the point of 'treating people' - how and why you treat them in certain ways / are certain ways towards them, when it's not needed, which means - you're using people as a way to 'discharge' emotions/feelings within yourself, exterting it out on others = instead of working-with yourself
‹Ingrid› aaaaah cool, well not cool, this rings a bell or two or hundred
‹Resonances› Ingrid - what you've done is the following - created an energetic experience of abundance that isn't real, as a polarity-point of the actual experience you're having which is guilt within-yourself, now - you've hidden the actual experience of guilt within-yourself behind the 'experience of abundance'. So - you say you want to share abundance with people, but that's not actually so - you want to 'make up for the guilt you experience towards people' through sharing abundance. Instead of working-with yourself in relation to the point of guilt towards people
‹Ingrid› So, I really got some work to do on this point. I felt quite some resistance towards letting go of my 'sharing'identity. I saw it as my 'one good thing' - makes sense when it is all about feeling guilty
Having a hard time dealing with this 'sharing' stuff.
So I created 'sharing my abundance' as a polarity to 'feeling guilty'...
What do I experience as 'my abundance'?
Yesterday night I was wondering and then this sentence and feeling of 'abundance and happiness' that goes with it came up: The day I was born God smiled...
Then I looked for the opposite and it was there already: The day I was born God didn't notice...
and with that was this emotion of utterly inferiority and fear because of that. Like I did have no right to even exist... no right to breathe, pee, eat, no right at all: I should not be here or anywhere else, not even in the afterlife - just not exist.
I felt very heavy, dark and in great despair - because I do exist and can't help I'm existing, so where should I go. what should I do? God was there and he didn't like me at all.
Relevant? yes
Esteni:
Ingrid - You are looking straight at a base programming placed within the design to ensure that no-one ever stands up. There is always this figure 'above' everyone else determining whether on is valid/invalid, right/wrong. Recognize the programming for what it is - and pay it no more attention.
When you experience the emotional charge associated with the thought. Stop and breathe through it as it will pass when you give it no more attention.
Ok, I will work on me feeling guilt towards people.
supporting sentence= andere manier je innerlijk leven stimuleren = stimulate your inner life in a different way
specific word?
life
stimulate your inner life in a different way
mmm, don't know what to think of this one... Like I am using guilt or abundance to feel alive? yes
So just drop it (both guilt and abundance) and get a life :)
I will watch for every movement in me towards sharing, observing what thoughts there are that move me - this used to 'happen' automatically, before thinking it over I already offered my support. Nowadays I do feel the urge, but stop and do not act on it: that is I do not offer my support, but just wait and watch myself - because I do not want to act from within this 'automatic response'. Then the urge disappears.
I still cannot relate to the guilt part in it - that is: I do not experience guilt, just the urge to share and support others. The thought of me stopping 'sharing' feels like a relief in a way - especially because it 'always' seems to bring me in trouble: people expecting me to give more and more and judging me of not giving enough or the wrong way or whatever - I'm very sick and tired of this construct. I do now allow myself to care of myself.
About the guilt: what I do experience for years now, is this question: am I my brothers keeper?
I do not want to feel responsible for other peoples emotional, spiritual or whatever life's. That's why I've kept my mouth shut when I noticed their dishonesties, where they were fooling themselves etc. I justified it by stating 'I am not my brothers keeper' and 'they will not listen' and 'they won't be grateful, just attacking me, so better keep my mouth shut' and 'who am I to judge, I do not know for sure that I am right, how can I be sure? Maybe I will harm them, so better keep silent'.
All the while I did feel 'I am my brothers keeper', I should point it out to them, they can do whatever they want with what I'm showing them, they are responsible for themselves, but I should tell them what I observe.
I did not confront them (most of the time), because then I would feel responsible for them and have to take care of them. Pfff, quite a topic. lol but then again I would take care of as many people as possible. What a mess :)
‹Resonances› Ingrid - you, have you investigated further into the point with regards to experiencing guilt towards people in relation to your experience towards them.
See you've noticed some points, but the question furthermore would be why you deliberately don't wanto to completely recognize/see this point.
Consider having a look at you defining yourself in relation to how you are and act towards people as it being an acceptance of 'who and how you are because you've always been that way', and within that - that you're livign and acting towards people in certain ways/manners in thought, word and deed
because in this way, you hold onto the remembrance and memories of your mother - like attempting to
keep your mother alive within yourself through how you live
you hold onto the remembrance and memories of your mother
that you're living and acting towards people in certain ways/manners in thought, word and deed
In relation to feeling guilty towards people I'll be working on the remembrance of my mother, that I am keeping alive in living and acting in certain ways towards people in thought, word and deed.
supportive sentences: "Gevoelsmatig wordt u aangetrokken door mensen die er dezelfde idealen op na houden als u. Zelfzuchtige mensen worden snel maar zeker door u terzijde geschoven. Wees echter niet te vlug met uw oordeel - zij hebben misschien geleerd nee te zeggen, terwijl u zich deze eigenschappen nog moet verwerven."
translation: Instinctive you are drawn to people with the same ideals. You push selfish people quick and undoubtedly aside. Do not judge to quick though - they might have learned how to say No, as you still have to learn.
In relation to my mother - I think she was a selfish person - more accurate: I see her as a being that controlled everyone and everything. We, her children, we were her property, she owned us, like she owned the house, our bedrooms, if friends were allowed to come over (ha! none), which friends were allowed to come over (only the ones she liked and had a good time with), what channel on tv we had to watch because she wanted to watch that particular movie or show). Everything had her name on it. The house and furniture were of more importance to her than the inhabitants. There was no privacy - she entered my bedroom whenever she felt like it, changing the decoration, my decoration whenever she felt like etc.
With D, my kid, I did it the other way around - I allowed him very much, to the extent that there was no room for me any more lol I'm in the process of changing that, claiming my space back. My privacy, a ' personal life', say No and not feeling selfish but as taking care of myself. Finding the way to balance out when and where and how and if. And that's cool.
relevant? yes
specific enough? no
I can see I am being controlled by the picture I have of my mother, by acting and feeling the opposite: not selfish and controlling, but by doing that I lost control, direction over myself. I've let circumstances and D and others and my mother (still) direct me, out of fear to be like my mother and disgust for the way she diminished me. But in being the opposite, I am still the other polarity also. The selfishness versus the .... hmm, I still haven't found the right word to describe the polarity for selfishness, me versus my mother.
I cannot direct myself 'properly' when controlling me all the time, to check if and when I did not respect others privacy, their right to be in their own space, have their own space. I am so freaking tolerant, that hahaha there is still no space for me left, like in my childhood. I have become MY MOTHER to myself oh geeeeeez how obvious
Is this the core point? yes
March 2010
