lol Nothing horrible about that – when I just describe what the event entails – nothing disgusting about it. It is me that reacts in disgust, obvious. What I would like is direct myself to not react at all. To just experience this day/time as any other day/time and not have this tension and agitation with the clock ticking the time away and feel relieved when finally that point has passed and the date is officially 1st of January 2012. I would like to direct myself to have an option whether yes or no I celebrate or not. At this point I feel I have no option because of the disgust I created many many years ago.
Today I have the perfect opportunity to investigate my disgust because Dj will not be here, he is staying over at my sisters and won’t be back today – so I have the house all to myself and I am free to do whatever I like. I mean, I do not feel any pressure to create ‘a special evening’ because of my son. What I have to do however is to make sure the cats are in before their world burst into fireworks.
I feel disgusted by that. I do not want them to wish me ‘Happy New Year’ (and most of all I do not want them to come close and kissing me while wishing me ‘Happy New Year’ – that seems to make it even more worse, more like treason, two-faced. And worst of all: I feel I should do the same to them because that is what is expected of me - I do not want to, HELP!
I used to be sincere in my wish for happiness and health for them but also felt I had no actual influence on that. The wish in itself was more like an incantation to keep bad-things-that-could-happen away from them. Maybe that is what this is all about, just incantations. Like the fireworks to drive the bad spirits of the past year away. An ancient custom, turned into a million euro business, that’s what it is. I would like and happily take part of such a custom if we all would make lots of noise with for instance pots and pans, hitting a lid on another, or screaming or whatever. I think I would like that, especially when doing it together with lots of other people. Just for the fun of it :)
But I disagree with this million of euro’s spent on firework. Every year people spent more money on fireworks. And I can’t help myself but I feel sad when all this money is just burned – when there are still so many human beings in this world that have no food, no shelter, no nothing. When there are still so many animals suffering in the meat industry. When there are still so many beings being abused. I wish for us all to first sort this out and use all these millions of euro’s and dollars and other currency, to sort this out – and THEN celebrate whatever, whenever we feel celebrating. So I stand behind my window, watching the fireworks and feel sad. And a bit excited too, because all the noise and lights and colours – well, it can be overwhelming and exciting if I allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. And a bit frightened also – how many will get hurt this year? Will all those close to me be safe? Will there be animals get hurt? And for the animals that are scared I wish it all to be done as soon as possible.
So today, I am here, on my own (well, have to take care of two cats, but although they will not feel comfortable, I do not expect them to be in great fear when the fireworks will start) I will be on my own tonight and will see to it I will not allow myself to go into that energy of agitation because of the clock ticking the minutes away towards 00:00.
Maybe I will attend this party next door after that, but maybe I won’t – haven’t decided yet. There will be lots of ‘Happy New Year’ kisses/wishes. Will I just take that for what it is and let it be? Take part in this ‘custom’ while knowing times are getting harder by the year? Partake while I know what is ahead for us all? Would it make any difference when I would tell them what I know? Don’t think so – they wouldn’t listen (probably they all will be drunk by the time I get there) and when they do they will say I shouldn’t spoil their party (I’ve been there). So why go there, why attend this party? To direct and establish for myself I will no longer be directed by my disgust. Kissing and saying ‘Happy New Year’ is just that.