08 May 2010
Motel = for me: picture of freedom, to be free like a bird, to be able to move myself literally wherever I want to. In these American movies there are these people on-the-road, travelling with almost no luggage but with the comfort of a bed and shower in these motels. In the movies they are always on the run, but that’s not what fascinates me, what I want for myself is this freedom – no worldly possessions like a house to take care of, pay the bills, being part of society and living by the rules. Just a bundle of banknotes to pay for the motel and food, nothing that binds me to one place. That’s what I would want. Like there is nothing to fear. People come and go and that’s ok. No relationship but just in the moment. No commitment other than to myself and my car.
I do not drive a car myself, I do not have a drivers license. So I lack that ability. But even if I had, I would be too scared to live that way.
Yes, the ultimate picture of Freedom – American highways, motels, diners… Get your motor running, out there on the highways – born to be wild lol
Yes, I am jealous of the abilities and expression of people that live their lives outdoors, not ruled by society or fear of leaving the safety of their home.
I think these people are strong and very capable of taking care of themselves – they must be fearless. They create and live by their own rules.
It is the driving of a car also – I do admire (especially) women that drive well, smoothly and secure, with guts though. And in the past I have been sexually stimulated by watching the legs of man when driving their car, watching their muscles move when stepping on the gas etc.
So, the ability to drive a car, and the expression of freedom and capability (strenght) of taking care of yourself and being able to go where and when you want to... is what I am jealous of, what I am lacking, from my perspective that is.
(Why I do not have a driver license though my father offered to pay for it when I was eighteen?
Because I thought I could not drive because of my bad eyesight. I have been told over and over again by my mother that there were many things I couldn't do because of my BAD EYE (Ingrid's slechte oog). Including driving a car. )
This jealousy because of the ability and expression of other people that are free to move themselves by car, I experience usually in society.
I experience this when outside, in pubs for instance – every place where I meet ‘strangers’ with their own exciting life. Especially outsides (on the streets for instance)
I feel dull, like missing out on something. I want to go with them, this person and live a ‘motel’ life. Let go of all precautionary measures and simply jump – the person I really am, secretly. It is actually a feeling in my stomach, like an emptiness in there. That needs to be filled with ‘jumpyness’, juicy, little bubbles of joy and being alive.
I actually did ‘jump’ a couple of times – just did it, hitting the road with the ‘stranger’, and though it wasn’t not all fun, dangerous stuff sometimes, I felt very much alive – and in a way I felt close to my own strength, not all the time, not all the way, or maybe I was, yes, there were moments I felt free. Free of fear. Free of ‘bills’. Free of the ‘normal’ responsibilities. Committed to me in the first place. And meeting strangers in a strange country, in a strange place, in a strange situation – and I enjoyed every minute of it! (lol except for the minutes I didn’t enjoy)
I am now speaking of one particular time in my life, a couple of months I spent with W, had some kind of relationship with the guy. This man was ‘crazy’, with lots of crazy ideas and though I did not believe this all to be true like he did himself, I went along with it, because you never know:) Besides that, it was not about what is true, what is illusion – it was about being alive and enjoying my life. Bubbles in my body, bubbles of joy and excitement – not knowing what will happen the next moment.
Would I want to spent my life that way, like I did those months with W? No, not the travelling around (well, yes, I still would like to travel, in a camper – but no driver license, no money), but not for excitement and stuff. I would like to feel alive, to feel free of this self inflicted do’s and don’ts , experience myself as joy and bubbling with laughs for instance, not knowing what will happen and not worrying about what will happen, because I am here now, and the next moment is the next moment, not here yet.
So yes, that’s why I am here at Destenis, in process – ha! Don’t need a drivers license actually!
1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect freedom, being alive, here, with driving a car, motels, being on the road, travelling, strangers – instead of realizing that freedom, being alive, here, is always available because I am here. I am freedom, I am Alive, I am Here.
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferior because I do not know how to drive a car.
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others that do know how to drive a car as superior because I perceive them as being capable of taking care of themselves, as strong, as self confident, as more free than myself, as of more worth than myself, as more sexy than myself because they know how to drive a car.
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father: “you will be more self confident when driving your own car”. Yes, I belief this to be true.
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self confidence and driving a car.
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not self confident because of lacking the ability, the capability, of driving a car.
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self confidence as ‘the ability to drive a car’ and believing I’ve been missing out on something in my life and still am missing out on something because I do not know how to drive a car – so I am not able to be free and self confident and taking care of myself completely and perceiving myself as lacking strength.
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define driving a car as sexual stimulation, because of the movement of the muscles in a man’s leg when driving his car – sexual arousal because of the man and the car perceived as being ‘one, connected with the idea this man being ‘one with his body’, connected with pictures in my mind of having sex with this man must be wonderful and exciting, because of his bodily strength and his arm muscles, connected with his smell and smoothness of movement.
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as lacking self confidence. Self confidence being of systematical origin and Self Trust of Life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and belief I should be self confident to succeed in life as my father told me, I should adjust to society, the systems in order to be successful and driving a car is essential for ‘making it’.
Yes, this is why I resisted learning how to drive a car. I resisted having to be part of society, I resisted ‘making it’, being successful, even resisted wanting to be successful. Resisted being self confident. But I didn’t really know what I DID want way back then, so I got stuck – and still am from that perspective, society’s perspective, what I perceive society’s perspective to be.
Interesting – on one hand I claim driving a car to be Freedom, Alive, being unlimited, on the other hand I perceive driving a car to be a symbol of being successful in systematical life…
Self Corrective Statements:
I am Free Here
I am Free to move myself Here
I am Free to move myself Here freely as an expression of who I am in every moment of every breath
I move myself freely here in every moment of every breath
Being free is unlimited, not connected or restricted by an ability, situation, mood, personality, time, age, outdoors or indoors. I am Here, I am Free
I move myself freely here in every moment of every breath, not restricted by any idea, feeling or emotion
Do I really perceive myself as being stuck? No, I do not - only when I look at me through the eyes of society (what I perceive to be the eye of society) In fact - I experience myself as being exactly there where I placed myself.
Physical Action that will assist me is: Stand as the Point
hmm, little bit of confusion here - to stand as the point=breath? hmmm, my body is answering this question lol I feel my feet, legs, very specific. Literally standing as the point and living the 'I stand'.
6 januari 2010
07 May 2010
1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be on guard when with people in my circle of trust, out of fear of this ‘backstabbing’, not trusting myself to be able to stand, fearing to experience the pain of the shock of ‘backstabbing’, fearing the experience of shock, fearing the experience of helplessness, like when I was a child and thought I had to endure these experiences because I had no way out.
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not being able to handle effectively the ‘backstabbing’ instead of realizing ‘backstabbing’ is not real, ‘backstabbing’ exist because I create it, I give it meaning and definition.
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself, meaning taking care of myself in the appropriate way when ‘attacked by others’ meaning ‘saying NO, I will not allow you to do this to me and yourself’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and defeated, sad and angry and automatically withdraw myself from the situation playing out instead of stating ‘till here and no further’.
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself accepting and allowing others to react and act from the mind conscious system instead of confronting them and me.
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and act like a victim – by being shocked and knocked down by (re)actions/words from other people towards me.
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not being able to understand such actions, meaning I disapprove strongly, I perceive attacking helpless beings like children, animals, pregnant woman, naïve beings, wounded beings etc is a bad thing to do – in this creating the opposite (I would never ever do such a thing) and with that creating the ‘backstabbing’.
Self Corrective Statements:
I stop victimizing myself by withdrawing in ‘shock’ and ‘not understanding’
I stop creating ‘backstabbing’ and ‘knocking down’
I stop experiencing and perceiving myself as nihil, zero, worthless, inferior
I stand as strength. I stand as taking care of myself. I stand as vulnerability. I stand as fearless.
I stand as taking care of myself – not the right words, but it is the core point Not neglecting myself, but how to put it in words? Hmm, have to think about it, tasting it lol
--->I allow myself to take care of myself
30 januari 2010