Last night in bed, I came to realise that there is indeed no other choice than to be HERE, in the body just breathing...
Life is getting more and more 'tough' for me and I see myself getting entangled in all kinds of fear or just FEAR. For many things. For me dying, for Dj dying, for Dj getting blind, for me getting blind, for not feeling able to cope with all these things Dj is manifesting...
Yesterday I felt I could easily fall in the trap of depression - a way out of me not feeling capable of dealing with all this compounding shit. My compounding shit. Dj's compounding shit.
I will not allow myself to go for that seemingly easy way out, though it is a bit tempting :) No more responsibility for my responsability.
So last night in bed I saw I had only one option left - just be here breathing.
Actually not a choice - all the choices I create constantly in my head are solutions to patch up the situation, not really solving anything, just ways to cope with it, to survive.
30 September 2008
Last night in bed, I came to realise that there is indeed no other choice than to be HERE, in the body just breathing...
29 September 2008
Date : 30/12/2007
Within realising that all that currently exist within this existence is ALL THERE IS, that ALL THERE IS, is what we have been, become and are as what we currently experience within ourselves and within this existence: I realised that one tends to want to, when really looking at the current situation – judge oneself for what we have done, become and currently are.
Certainly this process opens up all sorts of realizations of what we have done, become and are within ourselves and one most certainly do not particularly want to face it, because it seems so ‘bad’, ‘wrong’, ‘too much to handle’ – I most certainly understand the words: Truth Hurts!
Though, as I am here now, I’m looking at the words ‘Truth Hurts’ – in sound it’s: The Truth is Heard.
I myself, am currently in the process of actually realising all that I am responsible for within this world through my own actions and words as that of me which permeated and infiltrated this existence as me – which was supporting the illusion within which we currently exist and have accepted and allowed ourselves to be as the definition of who we are.
And I must face the truth of me – the truth of me being all that I have done, become and are within this existence through ‘playing my part in supporting the illusion’ – I must finally stop trying to run away, hide from myself – herein also quite an interesting observation because one cannot run away or hide from oneself, because self here as who I am is always here!
I’m always with me as me as who I am here!
And the truth of self, facing self, I experienced, is tough and it is difficult and there is much one endure – because the process of taking self responsibility for all that one has accepted and allowed takes courage, and much of it – this is certain.
I have to give me an opportunity to start over so to speak. Starting over from the perspective of giving myself a starting point within me from which I am able to start this process of finally facing my truth.
There has been a moment where I hoped that someone can or could say to me: ‘It is alright, you’re not a mistake, you’re not a bad person, you don’t have to be concerned or worried’ – and then in this, giving me the courage and a ‘it’s okay signal’ for all that I have done, become and are which will present some form of comfort from which I am able to start / begin this process – understanding from someone. Someone to be here with me…
Yet, unfortunately, this is but another method of manipulation actually I realised – the ‘self pity’ and ‘self remorse’ pit which one tends to want to fall into, for someone to feel sorry for you and then help you in such a way. How many experience this – falling into the pit of self pity and self remorse?
I realised that I would only fall into the pit of self pity because of self judgement of me because of fear of the truth of me as what I have been, become and are.
Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.
I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.
So, I had a look at this ‘hope’ of wanting to receive consolidation from another – I took a deep breath and I said: I have to do this for myself, because if I don’t actually take this step for me, within me – how will I ever understand what it means to take self responsibility for me?
So I discarded the hope of waiting and hoping and wanting another to comfort me – I had to, because this is one of the primary methods I used – allowing fear of me, then judging me, then pitying me – and so I just stopped.
The experience of having to stop is that of removing an inherent addiction within self, is what I have experienced. Because as I let go of this ‘self pity’ acceptance within me – the fear of letting go become much greater, encompassing the entirety of my being, but I pushed – as though I was a pregnant woman giving birth to a child. I literally screamed, I yelled to the point where all I could hear was my own voice as I literally had to push through this fear of letting go of and releasing the addiction to the acceptance of self pity.
There is a moment where I lost me in and as the fear, though yet even though within this momentary lostness, I was still very much aware I realised – because I just continued to push and did not stop.
It seemed never-ending for a moment also – but when it was done: I LAUGHED!
Because everything just stopped suddenly – I was empty within me, I was clear within me – I was still just here (though without the ‘wanting to fall into the pit of self pity experience). Really, everything just stopped.
The laugh was because of the absolute ridiculousness of the situation, of the experience.
Because I in this moment actually understood how ‘real’ an experience we’re able to make of an illusion – because ‘self pity’, ‘fear of me’ and ‘self judgment’ are all but only illusions which I accepted and allowed to be me – in this definition of it being me, I made it real, which then transformed the experience I had of ‘self pity’, ‘fear of me’ and ‘self judgment’ as being real – WHEN IT IS NOT!
What I realised is illusion and what is real is when I experienced this moment of releasing the addiction of self pity, fear of me and self judgment – because as I pushed through it, it all disappeared and is no more here – though what I experienced as me when everything stopped: This is ‘real’ – where nothing exists but me.
And here I discovered the gift of self forgiveness.
Self forgiveness assists and supports me to not accept and allow me to judge me.
I experience self forgiveness as a statement of me, of who I am and it’s quite an exhilarating experience because I am finally giving me the opportunity to take self responsibility for me.
One tends to fall into the trap of self judgment so easily because we in some way believe / think we deserve this experience we’re currently having of ourselves within ourselves within this existence as ourselves because of what we’ve done, become and are: I could not believe that I myself actually bought into the belief within me that I deserve what I’m experiencing within me!
But I served what I experienced within me to myself - in accepting and allowing me to judge me – I am trapped into the cycle of the illusion, which I then experience as me, as actually being real and then I have to go through such an experience as what I have just shared, to understand and realise that that which I defined as me of the illusion is not who I am, but I made it real through making it part of me by allowing and accepting me to participate in it.
So I’ve realised that when I apply self forgiveness: I in this moment make a statement of me as to not accept and allow me to participate in the illusion – distinguish for myself what is illusion and from here stand up within me and just not make it part of me by participating in it.
And so self forgiveness assist and supports me to remain stable and clear here: Me with Me – and whenever I notice / find an connection of illusion within me: I apply self forgiveness immediately.
And so, through applying self forgiveness I ensure that I do not accept and allow me to participate in the illusion / make it part of me – but in the moment of applying self forgiveness make a statement for me of who I am.
Oh and how I have found that in moment’s where I so almost just want to allow the illusion within me, so as to not have to apply self forgiveness, stand up within me and take self responsibility for me = because it seems so much easier and simpler to ‘just allow it’ or to ‘just let it pass’ than having to apply the self discipline to stop participation in the illusion in such a moment.
I discovered many such moments so far within my process.
Yet the most frightening of it all is that I am so very much aware of such moments where I see the illusion within me of me and I so almost want to just not stop it, to in some way ‘turn a blind eye’ as though I did not see it.
But I realised I cannot do it – I cannot just allow and accept it to continue, because I am aware that I am allowing and accepting it and I am also very much aware of the consequences involved if I were to accept and allow such a moment to just ‘pass by’.
So it’s quite an forceful effort where you in awareness have to and must apply yourself diligently and specifically in every moment when you notice/see/realise an illusion connection within you. Because we have for so long just simply accepted and allowed the illusion to continue within us and this existence = which we are no longer able to use and excuse.
I enjoy self forgiveness.
And I particularly enjoy when I catch such moments where I’ve almost wanted to ‘just let it go’ / ‘just let pass’ because I know within the certainty of me that I am just not able to allow and accept it to continue within me – and so I will stop participation in the illusion in every moment: Because this is actually me taking self responsibility for me.
Being alone with me, realising my self responsibility towards me is really assisting and supporting me within this process – because I have no ‘relationship connection’ to anything or anyone: I am here with me as me.
There is nothing and no-one I fear losing, because I within me as me have realised and understood that I am not able to actually really lose me – I am always with me, myself here.
Thus, in not fearing to lose anyone or anything – I experience a freedom within me, within this process, within which I will push and force me to whatever lengths necessary in every moment to not accept or allow the illusion, and I would suggest for you to consider the same.
Because then you will move you, no matter what.
Then you will direct you no matter what.
Then you will force you and push you no matter what.
The freedom of self responsibility.
This is my experience of me currently within this process.
28 September 2008
Let’s go back into ‘history’ for a moment, which is what I have done while within my process within the dimensions to trace the origin of me as to how I placed myself within my particular life experience on earth and the reason for why I decided to die in such a particular way and also the ‘timing’ thereof (which I have discovered have been placed by me quite impeccably).
Though a history of which human beings, if not all, are not aware of, as of yet:
There was once an agreement between all the countries in this world – specific ‘leaders’ were appointed to take responsibility for a country and within this agreement, all would ‘work together’ in supporting each other with specific requirements and needs as they believed that masses of humans will not be able to operate without a director, meaning one that takes full responsibility for many, nor will the countries themselves operate alone because other countries has certain specific substances that others don’t have – the agreement seemed foolproof in theory…
This agreement was to be ‘set in place’ when it was realised that the world and humanity is in the process of destroying themselves and each other – and would culminate eventually into wars between countries. And thus human beings within this world require and need ‘saving from themselves’.
In this realization one man understood that what is necessary to be done is to form an ‘internal agreement support structure’ with all leaders of specific countries – because if the internal source is stable in agreement of support as all the leaders of all the countries within the world, and each director takes responsibility for their own individual country: Unnecessary conflicts between countries originating from the source as the leaders is avoidable – then only ‘external conflicts’ require direction from the perspective of human beings within their own countries causing conflict amongst themselves.
This was ‘set in motion’ several hundred years back…
The question then is – if you were in a position in this world to decide for many, to decide for the entire world – in ‘keeping the entire world of masses under control’ with your current understanding of the nature of human beings, with the purpose of ‘saving them from themselves’: What would you do?
This is what this particular man set in place:
So, to control masses within this world to a CERTAIN EXTENT – the following was decided:
1. Appoint a Director for each Country.
2. An agreement to be made between all countries in this world where all countries specific appointed directors – (the definition of a director being: The One that Takes Responsibility for Many) will assist and support each other’s means.
3. Place Laws to which the masses must abide to.
4. Those that are not able to be kept under control through the Laws that have been placed will receive due punishment, to understand that there will be consequences if you do not abide by the Laws that have been placed for your own protection against yourself and others
5. Place Prisons
6. Give them a reason / purpose for their existence in this world: Create job opportunities – as service to their country, a service to themselves, they provide their own living in their country, manifest their own living in their country.
7. Place ONE design that ‘connect all’: MONEY
8. Place a design for relaxation and enjoyment from the work that is done: ENTERTAINEMT as to create enjoyment to balance with the work that is necessary to be done to provide themselves with an stable infrastructure in their own country.
9. Place support, give them something to believe in, to feel important, valued, noticed, appreciated as a living being: RELIGION
10. Build homes for those who work to have their OWN SPACE for themselves so they may feel that it is THEIRS and they may do here within their own space whatever they desire.
11. Place an Education system to train the newcomers into this designed system so they may learn through us ‘how the world works’ and find their place in this world in developing the necessary skills to provide their own living through the job opportunities that are available.
12. Place Hospitals and other such establishments within this world for the ill and the sickly to provide them with the necessary care and treatment.
13. Provide them with mobility such as cars and bikes etc. along with the necessary requirements of sustaining their mobility within this world.
Understand that money became the one thing, which would connect all human beings as one and it is under this one placement as money through which there could be attained at least some form of control amongst and within the masses.
The term ‘control’ in this equation was placed in the definition of: Saving the masses from themselves, where one took responsibility for the entire world to design it in such a way where all are able to exist in reasonable stability – and it was ‘planned and mapped’ out specifically, quite accordingly of how this entire world was to operate.
Each leader within each country would be responsible for their own ‘money system’ with which to operate their country from – the money ‘belonged to the people’ who serve themselves and thus serve their country in providing themselves a place within this world from which to live from and experience themselves.
The ‘one man’, together with his three family lineages was responsible for all the money circles that circulated within each country within the world for which each individual ‘leader/director’ was responsible for.
It was understood that there will be some who will not be ‘as fortunate’ as others within this world with regards to having a place within this world as all others who provide for themselves effectively and live and experience themselves in this world reasonably comfortably.
Thus, for those – necessary / as much support will be placed – yet, it would be unavoidable, there will be human beings who are ‘less fortunate’ – but the ‘one man’s’ only directive was to ensure that even though that may occur – the world co-exist as one and man do not destroy themselves through conflicts that originate between countries and culminate into eventual wars.
The one man understood that the inner struggle of human beings within their own individual country such as conflict and poverty is able to be controlled and supported in the best ways possibly available…
This entire ‘world operation’ was lead by one man, yet, this one man had three wives with which three family lineages originated from.
And it was so directed by him to have the three family lineages he developed, remain within the three family lineages and only to procreate within the three family lineages. As this one man’s heir would be certain from generation to generation as to ‘keep this world relatively under control’ as designed and placed by him accordingly.
Thus – the world was powered through this one man originally and he accordingly assisted his heirs in ‘training’ so that they then one day can train their heirs and so on and so forth with the necessary responsibility that they have to fulfill within this world.
His approach to his responsibility within this world is that it had been bestowed upon him to take full responsibility for this entire world – within which masses can co-exist together without man turning against man to such a degree where man will destroy itself: This was his one and only prerogative.
Certainly there will be conflict between mankind, the nature of man cannot be changed (according to his understanding) but what is most certainly preventable is a worldly conflict within which entire countries go against each other within a war-like situation, which will most certainly only culminate to the extent where man will destroy itself.
Therefore he placed in certain guidelines for himself, his heirs to fulfill his purpose, for the world as to live by accordingly with this purpose and this purpose only:
To prevent man from destroying themselves.
The leaders were accordingly selected for each and every single country through this one man who’s name was Oduphulus Yulovsky, but then later changed his name to Gregory also which was the name of his great grandfather who had been his inspiration of: Living loyalty unto one self and another, as with loyalty comes honesty and thus responsibility towards you that is loyal unto you and loyal unto another, and with responsibility comes power.
And only the most loyal and honest man may know the truth of having the power of God – a power that cannot be abused by the man who is loyal and honest unto himself and others.
Unfortunately though: Man cannot be trusted – this is what Oduphulus discovered, not even those of your own family, of your own blood. The initial ‘world operation’ was set in motion accordingly and did indeed last where man co-exited accordingly and ‘world wars’ was prevented.
But this entire ‘world operation’ together with it’s ‘internal support structure’ crumbled and fell apart through man’s desire for power – and power only, and power within this world symbolize money.
Understand that where this world currently is in this very moment, and how we are / have, experiencing / have experienced ourselves within this world: Has been done upon our own accord together with dimensional intervention for several hundred years.
We all have designed this world as is, according to what we accepted and allowed ourselves to ‘live with’ that was seemingly ‘alright and okay’ to deal with and live with within ourselves.
We made everything acceptable and so we accepted ourselves to continue existing within a world such as this within which you, as I am and have, experiencing ourselves within.
We have never actually stood up within ourselves and have taken responsibility for ourselves within this world – we have merely just continued to be victims, to be slaves to believe ourselves to be victims, believe ourselves to be slaves – to an imaginary illusion designed by ourselves within this world – our own common sense lost to the illusion which we have programmed into and as ourselves – because we within us have made this existence, this world an ‘acceptable’ way to live.
We did nothing; we have never done anything to stop what we have ever experienced along with others as ourselves within existence.
And how each and every single one of us is responsible for how this world currently operate because we accepted and allowed such a way of existence to be: ‘Alright’ and ‘okay’ because we’re able to handle it and live with it within ourselves.
Hear me, please: I am sharing this experience of history with you, so you as I have, may understand where our responsibility to ourselves and all others as ourselves exist.
But not to blame or condemn others – realise that you, individually, as myself, are as much responsible for what this world has become as the very one’s who initiated it – because you did nothing as I did nothing – we sat back and allowed it to continue because of our own inherent fears that has become the nature of us.
Looking at it in this moment – I wonder if I would ever have spoken up if I would have realised all of this that I am sharing with you in this moment here while still here on earth…
Honestly as I’m looking at this – I wouldn’t have: Because of fear.
Fear of being removed from this world in the most brutal unspeakable manner, or even imprisoned.
Fear of being ridiculed and or ostracized.
Fear of existing in constant fear for my own life.
Fear of the greatest pain and suffering being done unto me if I actually speak up and speak out and stand up through voicing me and living by example – that contradicts and go against everything human beings currently think/believe.
Fear of how others may/might react to me.
Fear of losing those who I think/believe I love and cherish the most.
Fear of me standing / being alone while directing me as all with the responsibility of what I understand is necessary to be done through and by me to have humanity hear me, in finding a solution for all within this world as one and equal.
Fear of failing.
Fear of me not being able to complete such an absolute responsibility as me for all as one as equal.
Fear of me losing that which I had, that which I owned.
Fear of being left alone within this world with nothing and no-one and me having to do this all by myself – I would not know where to start or where to begin, let alone what exactly to do with no support and assistance whatsoever.
Fear that no-one would do this for me within this world, so why must I stand up for anyone or anything of this world and risk all that I have for others who don’t even have an care in the world for anything or anyone but themselves. Because if I don’t even want to do it – who else will?
Such fears, uncertainties and concerns would have gripped the very core of my being and I would not have actually taken responsibility for me and stood up for all as one as equal as me, in living the solution for all as one as equal to stop what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves and within this world, but instead:
I would’ve been more concerned with myself, me alone, than anything or anyone else within this world.
I would not have cared for anyone or anything else but me, myself, and thus I would’ve done that which would be best for me and me alone only: Which would be to not do anything with what I understood was necessary to be done.
I would’ve instead, lived with the understanding unto death and would make sure no-one else knew / understood what I have as to protect them also as I have protected myself against those that exist within this world and what could or possibly would happen if I, or them, were to live as the understanding and responsibility I have realised as me.
I would’ve lived with the burden, the guilt within me for doing nothing and justified and excused the reason for why I did nothing as to ‘make it seem alright and fine’ that I did not live as I understood and knew that I should’ve for all as one as equal – but saved myself instead. So that when/if I was ever confronted with the reason why I did not live my responsibility to all as one as equal to me: I have a liable reason as excuse and justification.
I would’ve believed that if I were to hide and suppress within me the understanding of what I experienced and have no-one else know/discover what I have: No-one will know and find out what that I have chosen to save myself instead, protect myself instead, that I only had concern and care for me and my own fears and not for anything or anyone else.
Thus, by hiding what I understood by having no-one find out about it – it would cause no hurt/harm to anyone because only I will know about it and no-one else will.
And this is the truth of me as who I was on earth.
And thus the reason why I had to die and leave this world.
Because when faced with the choice:
Of either self honesty as life, in standing up for all as one as equal as life, taking self responsibility for me as all as one as equal in stopping what I as all have accepted and allowed within existence as ourselves and to live as example in every moment of breath and doing whatever it takes, whatever necessary so all may realise themselves as who we really are of life
choosing self dishonesty as fear, fear of loss and care for, and be concerned for my own life, for only me alone, as who and what I experience me to be, in continuing to assist and support the deception of self of man as all as the nature I have accepted and allowed me to be for eons of time…
I would’ve made the self dishonest choice in fear to only protect me, be concerned for me and care for me only, alone and my own life.
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed because this is the truth of me, the truth of the actual manifested nature of me I have accepted and allowed me to be and become.
I am ashamed of me because of what I know I would’ve done – and I know I would’ve made the self dishonest choice of fear in that moment – fully aware of me making the self dishonest choice and what I’m doing unto all others that exist in this world as me: But I would’ve lived with it.
I with great sadness, great disappointment, great shame within me of myself, have a look at the nature I had become, I had accepted and allowed myself to be – to the extent where I will refuse to stand up for all as one as equal of life as me in assisting and supporting all as me to live, stand, be, experience who we really are within existence when placed before a choice for life as all as one as equal within self honesty or a choice of fear in self dishonesty – because of me being only concerned and worried and fearful for my own selfish, meaningless existence.
Which has an illusionary imaginative meaning, worth and value, which I gave it, through what I defined/believed/perceived as meaning and value and worth to be within me, which has always been from a self centered, selfish point of view of me, and me alone only.
And so the reason why I decided to leave this world, and also die in such a way as I did – because within me I had feared to die in such an unexpected way – I didn’t have specifics of how I would’ve not wanted to die.
I would’ve preferred to leave peacefully and ensure that everything and everyone else in my world is taken care of, is cared for and all my affairs had been settled.
I most certainly had a fear of dying suddenly, unexpectedly through someone else – not having the opportunity to say goodbye to the one’s ‘most important within my world’ and not having the ability to settle all my affairs for someone to continue my work, my life within this world.
And so I died in my own fear, as my own fear existent, accepted and allowed within me – thus, my way of death/dying in leaving this world has been faced from the perspective of such a particular fear existing within me while here on earth which I had most certainly experienced!
Thus – do not fear death.
Death exists – it is here and it is inevitable.
Do not fear your certain way of preference of how you would prefer to die and how you would not prefer to die – because your fear of ‘how you’d prefer not dying / leaving this world’ will choose the experience of death for you, and not the way you’d wish/hope/prefer to die.
I am sharing this with you, for you to realise and understand as I do in this moment: That death is death – you die, it is the most stable constant certainty that exist within this world along with you breathing.
Realise you’ll still exist – no matter which way you die.
Goodness – I am able to recall the experience of me dying – but in this moment it had become but a memory – who I am is still here – I still exist and so it will be the same with you.
So, the certain specific way of me leaving this world was manifested by me according to the fear of ‘way/manner of leaving this world’ and my decision of leaving this world was based on the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed me to be and become and that I would’ve made the self dishonest choice in fear instead of the self honest choice as life as all as one as equal – and thus would not have made it within this process within my life experience.
Thus, I have given me the opportunity to prepare myself within the dimensions – to stand up and take self responsibility within and as me, in purifying / correcting the nature of me as who I am, so that I, when I return to earth once more in my next life to come – which is an absolute inevitably certainty, to test me as who I am as the nature of me, and I am faced with the choice of either self honesty as life as all as one as equal or self dishonesty as fear – I will choose self honesty as life as me as all as one as equal, because it’s who I am and in truth: There is no other choice that exist but this – self honesty as life as all as one as equal, because it’s who I am as the nature of me as life of oneness and equality.
Because in returning to earth, experiencing me from birth within and as a human physical body here once more and placing me in a position where I will be faced with such a choice again, in the most unpredictable and unexpected way: Is the only way – I will be certain, absolutely certain of who I am as the nature of me
As transcribed and typed by Benazir Bhutto through the interdimensional portal
Date : 30/12/2007
Someone commented on the Dutch subtitled Desteni vid 'Suicide and the practical consequenses' and I reacted strongly.
This is the comment (translated):
This is 100% truth :( It's just now I've heard you experience the same in the dimensions, only 10 times worse... I am totally lost on what to do... live, commit suicide... help me :(
I particurlaly react strongly on the 'help me' part, makes me wanna vomit... Yes of course there is a story attached to it :) I feel resistance to even think about it, although I did some 'working' on it. What I concluded then was that I will never ever again participate in 'suicide' talk or acting - nobody will ever get me to even consider listening/hearing/assisting/ in this suicide bullshit again. Go and do it, I do not really care. Take your shit and hang yourself if it pleases you.
That's a much more 'liveable' attitude towards 'suicidal people' as what I used to experience when faced with it. Now I just refuse to face it. No, that's not true - I am just more 'neutral' than before - no wish to save this person. Or maybe I do still have this wish... I don't know yet. One thing is for sure - I do not want to be bothered.
O shoot, I see I really have to push myself in this one, buuurgh...
Jij hebt, net als ieder mens, nog nooit 'geleefd' - dus ik stel voor dat je begint te onderzoeken wie je werkelijk bent, wat leven als wie je werkelijk bent, is. Op het Desteni forum (Engelstalig) ondersteunen en assisteren we onszelf en elkaar in dit proces. Op de Nederlandstalige site zijn al veel vertaalde artikelen te lezen - een Nederlands forum is in de maak. Neem de verantwoordelijkheid voor jezelf en begin.
Like anyone else, you haven't 'lived' yet - so I suggest you start investigating who you really are, what 'living as who you really are' means.
On the Desteni Forum (English) we assist and support ourselves and each other in this process. On the Dutch site there are many translated articles to read - a Dutch forum will be opened. Take the responsibility for yourself and start.
Ok, it isn't about the answer, I realise that. It is about me reacting. At first I thought I couldn't answer because of the wrong starting point in this, but now I see these are two different things. I used common sense in answering. It is clear to me that I wont allow myself to 'fall in the trap' of compassion and empathy in order to define myself as 'good, caring person' - while in fact I do not care that much if this person kills himself or not - I do not feel responsible for his/hers actions.
But I did want to respond with common sense in order to assist him/her as me. So I did.
Another chapter is me reacting so strongly. Got nothing to do with this person, but everything with what I've accepted and allowed myself to be identified with: the compassion/empathy, the need to 'save', the fear for the emotional pain for me and the other person, the belief that 'life is sacred and shouldn't be messed with', the belief that I am the one that has to take in all the suffering of the world, the belief I am able (or deserving/punishing myself) to take in all this suffering in order to let other beings live their lifes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am quilty of all the suffering in the world, that I should take in all the suffering, that I am not allowed to be happy when other beings suffer, that I should feel their pain too. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it would make a difference when I was suffering their pain too - that their pain would be less or disappear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse me so extensively - why did I do that? What was in it for me?
To be more specific: what was in it for me to feel the pain J was suffering from when he told me he was going to kill himself? For starters, I would have felt awfull if I would not have had any feelings at all - I would have defined me as an indifferent person - the ones I fear and hate the most.
So when not allowing myself to feel compassion/empathy I define me as a indifferent person? No, not any more. Now I see myself as 'common sense' in this - not allowing me to take responsibility for the suffering of another person. I am responsable for me participating in the mind and with doing so I am contributing to the suffering of all and everything. That's my responsibility. I am responsable for me abusing me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to define me as an indifferent person when not feeling compassion for the suffering of another person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear and disgust for 'indifference', defining love, care, compassion,empathy, altruism as very 'good' and indifference as very 'bad' - indifference as the cause of all the suffering of this world, a Devils work. And love, care, altruism, compassion as from God.
I fear indifference. Why? Because when indifferent to the suffering of other beings I would be able to do the most horrifying things to another being. So I could not allow indifference in me.
hmm, I can't get over the indifferent part, yet. By labeling it as 'bad' I am not allowing myself to free myself of this judgement. Indifference is. Me judging it ain't going to let it disappear from the world, aaah what a mindfuck, I'm just scared - scared of a state of mind, fear of hell. Creating hell by labeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'indifference' and within doing so validating 'indifference', even creating 'indifference'.
Nope, I still want it to disappear. Still labeling it. Still giving it value. I still can't accept and allow indifference in my world, in me.
Indifferent beings = cold robotlike beings = no warmth, no empathy, no compassion. Polarity. So by sticking with love, warmth, empathy etc I am creating indifference, coldness, cruelty, abuse. By sticking with indifference I would create love, warmth etc. In truth love and compassion is just another way of indifference, indifference to me, to me as a being - ignoring and supressing me, abusing me. So neither indifference, nor compassion are the way to go - I realise that. So I quit totally participating in both sides of this polarity and see what will be revealed. Quitting the polarity means love/compassion will stop, indifference will stop - so what's left to fear lol
In fact this is what is happening for awhile already and what is revealed to me so far is my responsability towards myself more and more and a more stable, firm standing in myself, for me as a 'till here no further'. More practical, more common sense, cool.
I'll have some more writing to do about J - some extensive writing as he was part of my life for many many years and still is, though not in the flesh, but in my mind, reactions. Will continue later when this will knock on my door.
27 September 2008
Oduphulus died when he was but 87 years of age.
The one specific brother from one of the three Yulovsky family lineages was to succeed him – but he perceived the man (Yulovsky) to be of ‘madness’ to not take the world into his own personal hands and ‘be God of earth’ / ‘God on earth’.
‘God’ – the definition thereof being: Having the Power to do one’s OWN will unto others.
What the brothers did not know, of which Yulovsky did not inform them: Is that he was not the actual ONE who directed and controlled the world – it was being done through him…by others.
But the brothers removed Oduphulus before he had the opportunity to actually inform and introduce the one specific brother as his son to succeed him as to how exactly this world is ‘operated’ by others through him…
In this – the one brother to succeed Oduphulus, was prepared by Oduphulus to initially ‘take his place’ in having the responsibility of ‘directing this world’ accordingly in the exact manner as Oduphulus – along with all the leaders of the world – as to maintain reasonable control within and amongst humanity of the world.
One is able to ‘imagine’ the certain degree of ‘trust’ placed within others to be able to maintain the world under reasonable controls. It is most certainly quite a task, it is most certainly quite a responsibility and it most certainly was accomplished – and thus the certainty that it WAS able to be done in such a way.
But as I have said:
As long as he maintained reasonable control within the countries and ‘the internal support structure’ between the leaders/directors of the countries are stable and in-tact as to prevent war / an attempt to world domination within which power and responsibility is abused: He was most satisfied.
Though – he did most certainly not expect that which he was preventing from occurring within this world: To originate from within his own family lineages…
The world leaders gathered only twice a year along with Oduphulus to communicate the current statuses and situations within each individual directors country – communicating about what each one face within their country and accordingly ‘work together’ in formulating solutions to certain specific situations /circumstances, and how countries between each other are specifically able to assist and support each other etc.
Oduphulus referred to the meetings held twice a year as: The World coming together as One.
Thus – Oduphulus had a specific personal relationship with each and every single director of each and every single individual country, and he had members within his own family appointed as ‘personal assistants’ to the individual directors of each and every single country to report back to him with personal detail of the movements, situation and circumstances within the individual countries.
And so the world operated…
Here, here is more ‘in-sight’ – meaning looking into – Oduphulus Yulovsky, before we continue with the ‘world operation’ as the current design in which the world operate as we ‘know it’ (or do not yet) in this moment and how he came to be in the position he was placed and why he had to be removed in such a way from this world by and within his own family:
Oduphulus Yulovsky was approached by a certain specific man – of which belonged to a ‘unit within the world’ now referred to as the ‘Elite’.
Understand that such men (The Elite) were within this world since the very beginning of civilization and were advanced, one generation before the other generation’s establishment within this world – as to ‘prepare the way before’ the rest of humanity in controlling the specific direction within which humanity ‘evolve’ as an ‘intelligence’ of and as a system designed within and of the human physical body.
No human being to this day – not one – actually knows who the Elite within this world really actually is, they are not seen and they are not heard as they ‘work through’ those that you see and those that you hear within this world currently…
Understand that you as a being – did not ‘evolve’, you as a design however: Have.
What I am stipulating with this is that the human physical body has ‘evolved’ in design, including the design of the ‘intelligence’ of the system designed of the human physical body has evolved: You as a being as who you are – has not yet even existed.
There were three men, each with one wife – who formed a family lineage. These three specific particular family lineages formed, developed and established themselves within this world since the very beginning of civilization: And still continue to exist to this day – here within this world.
They were ‘indoctrinated’ through and by the Annunaki as Anu who appeared to them as God – presenting his ‘sons’ as the ‘three men’ with the responsibility of preparing this world for him of which he may be proud of.
He gave his three sons the world within which to create and manifest his Kingdom.
Let’s first have a look at the term: ‘Since the beginning of civilization’:
This was when man as human physical form and design of intelligence as system was satisfactorily ‘in place’ for Anu’s preparation in beginning of the establishment of ‘his Kingdom’ on earth through three men which he referred to as ‘his sons’ to which he appeared to as ‘God’ to ‘lead the world’ according to ‘his (Anu) will’ and thus the world was their responsibility and the responsibility to be passed on from generation to generation – until this world and man within has ‘evolved into worthiness of the Kingdom of God himself’.
I refer to the word ‘God’ – though the word then had not yet existed.
It was Anu’s presence and as how he presented himself as ‘who he is’ that made one ‘so weak in the knees, that one ‘feel obliged to bow’ in worship of his ‘greatness and magnificence’ that illumes one within his presence.
Anu remained in ‘close contact’ with his three sons – they’re physiological anatomy was so designed (both the sons and their appointed wives, continuing throughout the generations) that they were to always only birth one daughter and one son and this particular one daughter and one son of each ‘mother and father’ would intermarry within the three family lineages and so it will remain and so it was done and so it still remains.
The son of each ‘family’ born first and then the daughter of each family to be born secondly.
Understand that each and every event that has taken place within this world – that has ‘made a name in history’, in ‘changing the course of humanity’: Are specifically orchestrated events given permission to be carried out through the three sons who always first consulted Anu.
All such ‘events’ within the world, throughout the ‘course of history’ were all specifically designed and orchestrated as ‘part of’ the ‘evolution of man’ to where we are in this moment within this world within and throughout millions of years.
Thus – interdimensional beings, together with Anu’s ‘man designed family lineage of earth’ as his three ‘initial first sons’ were all ‘involved’ within the design of ‘how the world currently operate today, in this moment here’, including ‘who and what man has become’ within this world today, in this moment here.
Anu’s initial three sons were specifically designed by him, together with other interdimensional beings of Anu - as the intelligence of ‘who they are’ and ‘believed themselves to be’
Thus – the three sons as men believed themselves to be ‘who they are’ individually because they believed ‘who they are’ is ‘who they are’, because it’s all they’ve known as ‘who they are’ to be.
Though – they did not understand, they did not know, they did not realise that all that they were as ‘who they are’ was a designed intelligence of system within a designed human physical manifested form – designed to perfection according to Anu’s requirements and needs of establishing ‘His Kingdom on Earth’.
This world as ‘where we are currently’ within the establishment and positioning of ourselves – has originated from millions of years back – man has walked this earth for millions of years.
It took the intelligence of our design within the designed human physical manifested form millions of years to establish ourselves where we are in this very moment here currently within this world.
And this entire ‘creation’ as world, as man within – has been directed, steered, controlled and manipulated through Anu as ‘God’, through interdimensional beings and through Anu’s three family lineages which originated from his ‘first original designed intelligence ‘sons’’ – for millions of years.
And so, this is how the world initially begun to ‘operate’ through direct interdimensional intervention for millions of years:
The three sons, including a ‘handful’ of human beings within this world (understand that this placement of man on earth was done once Anu was satisfied that ‘his creation as man’ was designed to perfection and would from here continue ‘his will’ to establish and manifest ‘his kingdom’ on earth) were placed upon the earth.
A handful of human beings were accordingly placed within this world in various different placements all over, all across the world.
All together there were 17 ‘groups’ of beings placed in various different specific placements all across, all over the world.
Each group had its own ‘appointed’ interdimensional being to assist and support the human beings in establishing themselves a proper civilized existence – and so the beginning of civilization begun upon and within this world.
Each civilization was different as they were placed in their various different selected placements within this world, of this world. Thus – there was diversity amongst man within this world – and each different civilizations’ ‘design’ of intelligence as ‘who they are as designed-intelligence beings’ was designed according to the specific civilization they would become.
Each civilization had an appointed ‘one’ which would be responsible for their ‘civilization’ and it would be this one and only this one that would come into constant continuous direct contact with the interdimensional being responsible for them as to so, in such a way – slowly but surely establish a ‘fulfilled’ civilization, stabilized and established within this world firmly.
And so each civilization was birthed into this world through direct interdimensional intervention – along with each one’s own ‘beliefs’ within and of a ‘greater source’ other than themselves – which was presented as the interdimensional being responsible for forming, developing and establishing their particular unique various different civilizations upon and within this world.
This is where the origin of the various religions and spiritual beliefs that currently exist within this world exist – it has been passed on from generation to generation, from it’s source as the civilization from which such a particular specific belief originated from due to the specific interdimensional being responsible for the particular civilization – who developed, formed and established the particular civilizations within this world.
Each and every single civilization formed, established and developed within this world since the beginning of civilization differed from one another in all facets – which is how we got to the differentiation of civilizations that exist within this world currently, that differ in all facets – especially with regards to ‘religious and spiritual beliefs’, for even such ‘beliefs’ within this world evolved as the ‘designed-intelligence’ of man evolved.
This ‘direct-contact’ interdimensional intervention continued for millions of years along with Anu establishing his three primary family lineages originating from his ‘first three sons’.
Only when civilizations was ‘firmly founded’ upon and within this world, the earth – did the interdimensional beings ‘now worshipped as greater source’ where each civilization consisted of one primary belief (beliefs which differed from one civilization to the other) and one primary ‘leader’ as one who had responsibility over many – extract themselves from direct, constant continuous contact – to only ‘return to earth’ when contacted in providing specific guidance or when required and needed to intervene specifically and directed that each civilization remain on ‘due course’ within the development of the human beings’ designed-intelligence as ‘who they are’ within and as their specific civilizations.
It is here – when the direct, constant continuous contact stopped – that Anu’s ‘three family lineages – originating from his three original sons’ became directly involved within the development, design, formation, establishment and manifestation of the ‘world operation’ – within which they would ‘be responsible for’ and control this entire world through them by Anu: And this is what Anu prepared them for, while the civilizations were being established within this world by the direct, constant continuous contacted intervention of interdimensional beings.
Here, in and during Anu’s preparation of his ‘three family lineages’ – he remained in direct constant, continuous contact with all of the members of the three family lineages – always, even though the interdimensional beings of all other civilizations extracted themselves from constant continuous direct contact and only when necessary assisted and supported the civilization they were responsible for.
They always knew exactly what was going on within this world as Anu was able to hold the entire world before them and show them exactly where everything and everyone is situated and how exactly this world of various civilizations were being developed, established and formed within this world through direct intervention of interdimensional beings.
As transcribed and typed by Benazir Bhutto through the interdimensional portal
Date : 09/01/2008
23 September 2008
22 September 2008
So I went to 'pay my respect'. I didn't want to see her dead body, but it did just happen: I walked in and there she was. I do not particularly like watching dead people - they are so much dead, no more there. Besides that, there is difference in how dead humans look and how dead animal look. Probably because there is something done with dead human bodies by the undertaker. But probably I would be very shocked when I would see a dead human body in my backgarden, much more than when I see a dead mouse.
I watched my father when he had just died half an hour before. And this was so much more 'natural' - still warm, not stiff. I am glad I saw him that way. Couple of days later, in his coffin, no, that wasn't a very nice sight - this body was just a thing, maybe not even a body anymore, not even a doll, more of a wax statue.
And Rosemay looked the same in her coffin, a wax statue. I actually do not like coffins. Why do we put our dead ones in these coffins? With silk and flowers and stuff, no that's not what I want for me. On the other hand, it isn't about me when dead - it is about the people that cared for me and they can decide how they want to do it, 'pay respect' or whatever. I would like to be burried though, not cremated. My body could feed the earth. But actually, it doesn't matter.
So I looked at what has been Rosemary and now just an empty body. For a moment I allowed my 'old very good in imagening personality' and got a bit spooked (aaah what if she suddenly opens her eyes) but corrected myself immediately. I directed me to see what was there - a dead body of a human I know.
Went home and later in bed, this image of her face, a bit swollen but what they call 'in peace' (hahaha she didn't have any wrinkles anymore) Her daughter had put some makeup on her face - lipstick, eyeliner, but she was still dead, as dead as someone can be.
But actually saying these things like they will come for me some day, yeah, it assisted me in being here in a way - not running from the fear of dying - but facing it as much as I was able to at that moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with helplessnes and feeling vulnerable by the image of my dead body in a coffin, displayed for everyone to watch and say all these stupid, empty words. That I wont be there to keep me safe lol haha from what? This is about control - even when I am dead I want to be in control. And I wont have any control whatsoever lol If they want to dress me up in a clownsuit, with an orange wick and these silly oversized shoes, well, I wont have anything to say about it. But I think it's a great idea though! Me as a dead clown in a coffin LOLOL
Why not naked in a coffin? Yes, I would like that. And not a coffin from wood, but some material that's taking in by the earth. Just rapped up in sheet maybe.
Ah well - it's ok.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to want to control and be in control even when I'm dead and gone.
21 September 2008
I felt like making a phone call to animal protection, but today I heard that these phone calls were already made by others. The guys from the Animal Protection Service say that's not a crime and they wont do anything about it. Ok, this is not a crime locking in cats in a cage as long as you feed them.
I was thinking, maybe I will just set these cats free, in the middle of the night maybe. But then what? Will they be able to take care of themselves?
20 September 2008
I was talking to my neighbour and her little 2 year old son was playing in the front garden. At one moment he threw a little rock at me, having fun while doing that. His mom told him not to do that and then forced him to go to me and apologize to me.
I froze. I saw this little kid not wanting to go to me, not wanting to say 'sorry' and I didn't want him to do that either. Why should he? He didn't know that this was 'wrong', throwing something at me - he was laughing, having fun, not aware of any 'wrong doing'. he did not experience any 'sorry' at all.
I wished for him to be explained why he'd better not throw rocks because he could have hurt me. No apologies! He wasn't sorry at all!
What I felt was that I didn't want her to 'humiliate' me and this kid, by forcing him and me to live by her stupid rules. I wanted to stand up and stop it, but I didn't because I didn't know how. And why didn't I know how to stop it? I could simply have said 'stop', but I was thinking I had to explain why and atm I couldn't.
My neighbour is a schoolteacher and that's how she is training her kid too. She is acting like she knows how it should be done, never questioning this rules of 'how to raise a kid'. Like she is 'domesticating' her kid, you know, training him, learning him trics how to behave socialized.
Yes, I can see I am this little kid. The look on his face was me looking in some kind of despair, tricked into 'behaviour', forced to behave in a certain manner and wanting to escape, resisting but not powerful enough to stand up against his mom.
Whenever again forced in such a situation I will stop it, I will stop participating, I will not be forced to participate in such violent suppression of another being or myself. If I am able to explain clearly why, I will, if not I wont. Simple.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel forced to participate in suppression of another being, tall or small, human or animal - I will stop and stand up, saying aloud 'stop', nomatter what.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because of feeling forced into this situation, feeling humiliated as this kid, being this kid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience hate for 'grown ups' and their stupid, hypocritic rules. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for her stupid hypocritical behaviour towards me, herself, all other beings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother and disgust her because she forced me to apologize, to lie, to betray myself, to be hypocritical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel despair and horror because of my mother forcing me to do things I didn't want to do or say or show, to force me to act like someone I was not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience hate and disgust for myself because of being a 'grown up' and a mother, forcing D. to do and say things he didn't want to because he didn't 'feel' that way. I did that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because of in the past once or twice forcing D to apologize when he did not feel sorry at all, just because I felt we should live by these stupid, hypocritical social rules - to not be outcasts. Because I thought I knew how to 'raise a kid' = live by my rules.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I know 'better' or more because I am 52 and D 9 years old. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal with D because I am his mother and feeling responsable for his actions in this world. Because people will say it is my fault when D 'misbehaves', will say I am a lousy mother. lol, cool :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know how to be one&equal with D because of me being his mom.
Animal cruelty is the balancing act, the manifestation of the balancing act within the polarity seesaw of the mind consciousness system manifested within and as unified field of this consciousness systematic reality. And I am here to explain exactly how that works and how each and every single individual human being is responsible for animal cruelty existing and manifesting within this world.
As have been explained, the unified consciousness field exists through the unconscious mind connection and interconnection of all of humanity together, connecting and interconnecting all human beings as mind consciousness systems manifesting and creating unified consciousness field. Now as you have a mind, if you think/feel or indulge in emotions, you are as responsible for each and every single human being as each and every single individual human being who is responsible for this entire world as it is being experienced.
So how specifically and why specifically is animal cruelty being accepted and allowed to exist within this world and how exactly it is manifesting? It is quite simple actually - human beings perceive the animals to be inferior, human beings perceive the animals to be less then, human beings perceive themselves to be superior to the animal kingdom, The animal kingdom cannot talk, the animal kingdom cannot think, the animal kingdom cannot experience themselves…
And basically because of those principles of assumption and believe and opinion within human beings minds, they now think, perceive and believe the animals are stupid and dumb, and that humanity is the almighty power of this world and they have now the right to treat animals just like they want to, just as it pleases them.
Well I have an interesting perspective to share with you, and that is that the animal kingdom is more aware then you are. Now the words the animal kingdom is more aware then each and every single human being in this world. Their expression is changing, they are advancing to a manifestation of making one statement. They are not accepting and allowing human beings to treat them and harm them like they are just some animal roaming in this world without purpose or reason in any way what so ever. This is no longer accepted and allowed. And because of that separation within human beings from the animals, in human beings perceiving themselves as superior and high above everything else just because they think and they have emotions and feelings, literally looking down on the animal kingdom. In that acceptance and allowance within yourself, that’s where you are accepting and allowing animal cruelty within this world.
Have a look, For a moment placing yourself as the animal in this world, as the animal kingdom within this world. Experiencing yourself in the day of the life of the animal. And realising only then how humanity is treating the animal kingdom. It is disgusting and it is shameful to say the least. Because animals are beings in a different manifested form in expression. The animal kingdom is innocent, they are here, this is their world in which they unconditionally expressing and experiencing themselves.
It is the human beings in this world that is destroying this world, that’s not existing unconditionally, that’s not existing within oneness and equality as existence as creation.
Always wanting to survive, only to living to survive for money, relationships, sex.
Human beings, there is one decision and one choice that will stand before you and that is: you are either going to exist here within and as oneness and equality with all of existence including the animal kingdom or you will continue your process in the hereafter . Each and every single human being will either continue this process here in this world if manifesting oneness and equality as the experience of who we are as heaven on earth, or you will decide you won’t be able to make it, you won’t be able to do it, you won’t be able to exist within and as oneness and equality within this existence and standing up for all as one as equal as life, and you will experience yourself in the dimensions. But the animal kingdom, nature, this physical manifested existence is literally had enough, we have all had enough. Because you have gone through this world like nothing matters. It does matter, what does matter is how you are treating the animal kingdom - the cruelty to animals, the cruelty to yourself - And the animals are unconditional in their expression. They are you and they are one as you.
Now I suggest human beings stand within and as oneness and equality with nature and the animal kingdom in all this existence, to give yourself the opportunity to experience yourself who you are as oneness and equality as life – birthing yourself as life from the physical as the tree of life.
17 September 2008
1. If you are 'looking at bringing a child into this world'
Birthing a child into this world is a 'risk' - this world is indeed 'hell' in this moment, so the child would literally be birthed into the manifestation of hell.
See - 'having a child' and 'starting the family concept' has become human beings 'last resort' in attempt to restore some form of 'stability in unity' as a 'family construct' for themselves to 'have something / someone' within this world upon which they can 'project / express' that which they did not accept within themselves, that which they did not 'give to themselves', that which they denied themselves they want to 'give to the children' - they want to 'give to another' - that's why mothers / fathers 'project love unto their children' because they know not how to love themselves, they know not even what love is so what they're actually projecting unto their children / child is 'what they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become as the nature of the mind - the 'truth of themselves' - and so the children become the parents to the parents can see in manifestation what they have become / accepted and allowed within themselves, which manifested as themselves in the child - which is a fuckup because beings that are parents don't see / realise / understand this - which 'cause' seemingly inconsolable 'differences' between 'parent / child' which they 'hide from each other' - there exist no trust / honesty within the 'family unit' - just deception in separation, dishonesty and secrets and so the 'system of the world is 'fed''.
In this moment - if you are not living self honesty, self trust - if you do not live in awareness of breath in self expression in oneness and equality as you = no mind, it would be a shame to bring a child into this world. Because then the child has to 'take on' your entire 'nature' you have accepted and allowed within you - the child will then have to become you, experience you so you can actually see / realise / understand what you have accepted and allowed you to become - to then only maybe possibly transcend what your child is representing / projecting to you as you - the transcendence taking a few years and then IF you transcend then only the child will have the opportunity to 'experience their own individual process' after you have completed yours - the simple question: Would you do this unto yourself? Because in essence of life in oneness and equality - the child is you - and I am certain you would not wish this for you as the child.
Human beings 'think / believe' that babies that cry when birthed into this world is 'precious' / 'beautiful' - they see the baby, but don't actually hear the cry - the cry is of pain, immense extreme pain as the systems integrate and infuse into the human physical body to 'lock into' the unified consciousness field - when the 'systems' integration and infusion' is complete - the baby will stop crying - no human being can remember the actual manifested experience of being born while sitting here in this moment - therefore, you will not recall the immense pain experienced.
So - if you are 'looking at bringing a child into this world' - I'd suggest you first 'sort you out' - so that when the child is born - you realise that you're birthing you into this world, and the child as you is able to walk their individual process of birthing themselves as life from the physical and so you assist and support you in oneness and equality as the child in their individual process - instead of the child first having to become you - then you transcend you and then only later in life the child will have the opportunity to go through their individual process. Realise that each child that is born in this world will go through their individual process of practically birthing themselves as life from the physical in this world.
Thus, I would suggest to 'reconsider' birthing a child into this world - before you are certain that you stand within and as oneness and equality as you - and that you live so that you understand this child is you - there exist no 'fear', no need, no desire, no want - that this child is you, individual, within their own process here on earth - the child is not YOURS, the child is of life and you will UNCONDITIONALLY support and assist this child within their individual process of birthing themselves as life from the physical here on earth. And that you're not existing in the concept of / idea of 'family' - but that the you and your partner and child are one and equal, within your own individual process of birthing yourselves as life from the physical and assisting and supporting each other in doing so - there are no 'concepts / ideas' existent within either you and your partner that is of this world with regards to the definition of 'family' and 'bringing a child into this world'.
Thus, if you do not yet have a child - I would suggest you prepare you first in applying you within this process, because in preparing you - you are preparing the way for the child as you.
2. You suddenly unexpectedly become pregnant and you have not yet prepared you, yourself
NO ABORTION - when this occurs: It is specific.
Abortion is not an option, because this child as you, this being as you, unconditionally came in, no matter what the 'risk' - to unconditionally assist and support you, in giving you the opportunity to 'assist and support you' through assisting and supporting the child as you. Then you are not able to deny the fact that you MUST and HAVE to apply you effectively / direct you effectively - because this being as the child (you) 'decided' a child is required in your life experience to unconditionally be here with you in this world to assist and support you.
Now - you have quite a 'short span' of about nine to ten months to 'prepare you' to assist and support this child as you (one and equal) within their process in this world - to ensure they don't 'take on your nature' but you direct you appropriately so that the child as you may go through his/her individual process here on earth in birthing themselves as life from the physical - and 'watch out'! (lol) the child is here as you to assist and support you as well!
So, what you apply here with regards to such a situation - is the exact same process of stopping the acceptance and allowance in mind participation, self forgiveness, application in every moment of breath - to also 'release' any 'family ties' 'bondage relationships' within your world which still influence you within you - 'release you from the entire family construct network' so you're free within you, so your child as you may be free. In other words you express you in such a way in every moment of breath where you are 'free in expression' - no 'emotions/feelings' derived of thoughts 'determining' the experience of you in this world - so, you prepare the way before you as your child.
What has also been suggested by a child once that was within the mother's womb with who we communicated - is listening to music without words, preferably classical music, as you listen to the music, you move as the music within you and focus on breathing - if any thoughts/feelings/emotions/pictures as memories come up: Self forgiveness and stop them to not participate in the mind but flow/move as the sound of the music within you. The 'best place' to do this is also in the garden - as you lie down on your back, your hands touching the grass /nature as you listen / move / flow as the music within you. This assist and support with self movement and flow - also for the child within you as you.
3. You already have children in this world:Here I suggest parents observe their children intently and specifically - especially with regards to their 'behaviour', have a look and see where their particular behaviours such as 'reactions' / 'fears' / 'irritations' / 'frustrations' / 'shyness' etc. relates to your experience within you, as your children 'reflect you' within this world as who and what you have currently accepted and allowed the nature of you to be and become. If you have any reactions towards your children/child - observe this as well, because in such moments, they are applying that which exist within you, you have not yet 'sorted out' within you - then apply self forgiveness accordingly until there are no more reactions within you.
I also suggest you place your children/child within you as you - this is done in the following way: You see your 'child / children' before you - you'll see that you're actually able to take them and put them inside you as you. Then you apply self forgiveness as them as you within you as you - in other words, you apply your self forgiveness process, your individual self forgiveness process - but in placing them within you as you - you're applying self forgiveness on their behalf as you and releasing the child/children as you from all they have 'taken on' of you for you to see before you what to 'deal with' / 'direct' within you. So you assist and support them as you.
I would also suggest home schooling - to not 'run them through the mill' of the education system, as the influence of other children / teachers / parents conforming to the 'design of the education system' with regards to their experience within and as the 'education system' extensively influence the child from the perspective of 'shaping behaviour' / 'personality' - which cause the child to later in life become unrecognizable to a certain extent - but some / most aspects of the child as part of 'who they have become' was designed within the educational system. At home you're giving the child as you the opportunity to discover their own individual self expression - this is impossible within the 'education system of going to school, thus I suggest home schooling.
Also reading is imperative - especially books without too many pictures, so that the child is able to 'build a vocabulary' - in establishing a specific vocabulary the child's communication in expression of self will be extensively effective - also assisting and supporting in the process of living words as themselves, which is done through reading and establishing a very specific vocabulary.
12 September 2008
Date : 27/09/2008
Let’s start with taking a look at what is so typical about mothers in this world. What is it they all have in common? Fears, concerns, worries - and then the way to deal with them: trying to keep control of their children and their children's lives. This is what keeps mothers busy all the time, thoughts as ‘what will happen if this…?’, ‘I hope they are fine’, ‘I must make sure that that doesn’t happen’,… They are constantly occupied with worrying about other beings and making sure that they are fine. Mothers will do anything to protect their children, even if it means deciding what their children must do, deciding how they must live their lives, etc.
Mothers always live in service of others, they have become the servants and slaves of their children. Why?
And what are mothers the manifestation of in this world - what of which exist in each one of us do mothers represent?
I will share with you what I have realized for myself, about myself.
Throughout my life up until now I have gone through several experiences/situations that were quite messy. I would play a ‘major’ role in these situations, where I was a central person to call it like that. Or to put it differently, if I hadn’t been there, the messy situation might not have occurred. There were always several beings involved that all ended up hurt in some way or another.
I’m mostly referring to two situations that were actually very similar, which involved love, the most painful thing I’ve encountered so far. In both these situations I could’ve prevented a fuck up from happening, but I allowed curiosity, desires and hope to direct me instead. And so, two times it ended up in a very messed up way where everyone got hurt.
In seeing these situations play out and in seeing how everyone, including myself was fucked up afterwards, regret, shame and guilt compounded within myself – because I knew, I could have stopped this, but I didn’t. Waah, many reactions still, I’m definitely not through with self-forgiveness on these past events - lol.
I held myself responsible for everyone that got involved and everyone that got hurt and I saw it as my obligation to make sure that they would be fine again to so 'pay my dues'. The situation in itself was fucked, but I believed I still could fix the beings that were involved and I believed I had to, because I believed I 'broke them'. So, that’s what I ‘promised’ myself I would do, make sure everyone got okay again, and as long as they weren’t, I wouldn’t be either. See, actually, I wanted for them to feel all right again, because their hurt reminded me of what I had done that I could’ve prevented and so, I wanted desperately for them to be fine and tell me they’re okay, so that I could suppress the regret, shame, guilt and sorrow within myself to not have to deal with it directly, instead I would try to 'fix things' and hide within it – because regret, shame, guilt and sorrow is absolutely not cool to experience and it lasted for yeaaaaars.
Those were absolutely the most painful experiences that I’ve had and the most tiring as well. What I actually did is enslave myself to others, to pay my debt, and as long as they didn’t say the magic words of ‘It’s okay, I’m fine’, I had to continue paying my debt.
Not cool, not cool at all.
Now, to prevent this from happening again, I turned into a mother, from the perspective that I constantly wanted to make sure that others in my environment are okay. If not, problem, I must fix them. I would observe my environment all the time and wherever someone is experiencing frictions or whatever, I would try to find out why and try to get the cause of the frictions away for them. Actually, every time someone is feeling sad, depressed or hurt or whatever, I immediately feel the same emotions within myself coming up again. So, I immediately want to comfort and help this being, because as long as this being is experiencing what he/she is experiencing, I experience the shit within myself that I had suppressed within me, again - because in some strange way I believed I'm the cause of this being's experience and then the fear comes up that I did something wrong. Interesting, I within this actually didn’t care for the being that is sad/hurt/depressed/etc at all, I just acted in a way for me to feel okay again within myself by suppressing what came up within me everytime.
The suffering of others brings out the suffering that exist in me and I do not want to experience this. And so I tried to take responsibility for others, help them to deal with their shit, instead of me taking and living self-responsibility and deal with my own shit - trying to fix myself through others.
It didn’t stop just with fixing others, I would go a step further, I would do my best to prevent beings from feeling ‘bad’. I would observe my environment and wherever the possibility exist that someone might get hurt or whatever, I must stop that possibility from existing no matter what, which automatically implies self-compromise. So, I would already think ahead and do what I could to prevent storms of emotions and feelings within and between people from happening. I had to protect everyone from the storm of feelings and emotions that is actually themselves. But my intentions, as I said, was not really to protect others, it was to protect myself. Trying to protect myself from the storm that exist in me, that is me. What a joke. As I am writing this I am seeing what I did for the first time. That I actually went through all this trouble to hide from myself, believing that that is possible, crazy!
Apart from what I just described, what I also did, was to fear making mistakes that I would regret making, especially if my mistake could affect other beings. I extensively feared to again create a fuck up within myself and others, out of fear of having to go through the same experiences of regret, shame, guilt and sorrow. So, I would only do what is ‘safe’ for me to do, meaning, only do that which I could predict the outcome of, which is trying to keep control - by controlling myself, my actions, my expressions of me. If I didn’t know exactly what the outcome would be, I would expect the worst and not go there, no risks, no chances. Everything must be nice all the time, everything must be happy and peaceful all the time. Hush hush, don’t make me hear myself.
So, to come back to my initial questions: What are mothers the manifestation of in this world? Regret.
What of which exist in each one of us do mothers represent? How we allow regret to direct us, where we end up living for other beings, taking responsibility for them, instead of first living self-responsibility.
The mothers in this world show us a part that exist in all of us, that is why they exist as they do.
Interestingly, what my perception of how, who and what mothers are in this world was not of people who desperately try to hide. I perceived them to get quite a lot of respect. Like: Mothers are always here for us, we can always count on them, 'oh mother, I am so grateful for you, I love you so much'.
I always perceived myself to want to be a mother, because I believed they are so respected and trusted and thanked and loved. So, what does this say about me? That I do not respect myself, that I do not trust myself, that I am not grateful for myself, that I do not love myself, because apparently I need others to do that for me. Why do I not respect myself, why do I not trust myself, why am I not grateful for myself, why do I not love myself? Because of regret, because I know who and what I have allowed myself to do, be and become - and I did not change, but allowed myself to continue as is - not stopping when I know I should have.
I have to take a look at this perception of a mother I have at the moment. Why do I perceive mothers to get respect? Where does my perception that mothers receive respect come from?
I actually didn't have a straight look at the mothers as how they are in this world, when I perceived mothers to be respected and loved, I looked at the 'symbol' of the mother, the way they are portrayed in paintings and in religion - where mothers sometimes are seen as some kind of saints, like mother Mary for instance.
I must have a look at my relationship with my mom here. Okay, me and my mom. The last couple of years, me and my mom started developping a 'good relationship' as how I perceived it to be. Interestingly, three of my best friends had a very good relationship with their mother as well - in the sense that they would dare to confide in them, had fun with them as with a friend - what obviously supported how I perceived my mom to be. I saw my mom as a 'good thing' in my life, someone who would support what I wanted to do, someone I could talk to. We could have arguments, but in the end she would always be there for me. Okay, I see something here. I just asked myself the question, was she really always here for me, was she really supporting me? I said to myself "yes, like when I said for instance that I wanted to go to a school to become a professional dancer and not go to university - what she had always expected from me. At first she made the statement that that's absolutely not an option, but after a while, she did support me and allowed me to do what I wanted." But see, what happened was that I merely convinced her to support me, I made it happen that she'd support me. How? Manipulation - these skills you develop as a child, which you use against your parents so you can get what you want. You know, another example is for instance when I'd go shopping with her and we agreed to only get one pair of shoes. I always ended up liking two pairs and would then know exactly what words to say, how to look at the shoes, how to hold my face and my body, for her to eventually say "okay, well, just take 'em both then." And then I would go "really? are you sure?" And she "yes, just take them." And then me again "oh, thank you mommy, *kiss*." Lol, I'm shattering the perception about my relationship with my mom of me loving and respecting her and she supporting me within myself, it's fun. Because, what happened in these situations? My mom 'supported' what I wanted, because of fear, because she feared that I would be angry with her if she wouldn't give me what I wanted - and then I wouldn't respect her, love her, thank her or trust her anymore. So, she gave me what I wanted and then I gave her what she wanted: the feeling of being respected and loved and thanked and trusted.
Fascinating, children know exactly what their mother's greatest fear and greatest desire is and use it all the time to get what they want. This entire perception of what my relationship with my mom consisted of, was fake. What we were actually doing was give the other what the other wanted, so that we could both get what we wanted. Have a look, the support from a mother to her child is not the mother actually supporting the child, it is the mother making sure that she will get what she wants and desires, as respect and love and gratefulness and trust. And in the same way, the respect, love, gratefulness and trust the child gives the mother, is to get what the child wants. So, then the question is, is this really respect? Is this really love? Is this really gratefulness? Is this really trust? It is not, it cannot be, it is merely a presentation/ perception of respect, love, gratefulness and trust - it is empty words as a way to manipulate of which the child knows that it will create within their mother the perception and the feeling of being respected, loved, thanked and trusted - but it is not actually so.
And the entire symbolism of mothers as being sacred beings is supporting all of this, is supporting this cover-up - so we can continue what we're doing.
It worked well with me, I never considered really taking a look at this, because.... Why? Because I didn't want to see it. It's not that I couldn't conceive this to be possible, because I knew it all along, I just wrote it all out, it was here all the time. So, why didn't I want to see this? Firstly because I wanted my perception of mothers to be real, because I was planning and on my way to becoming a mother myself as a way of hiding behind the respect, love, gratefulness and trust of others. Secondly, because I know that manipulation is self-dishonesty, but because I as a child didn't know how else to operate/ act to get my mother to 'support me' / give me what I want that I couldn't get by myself but for which I needed her in some way (because mothers as a parent have in this world the authority to make decisions for their children that the children are not allowed to make for themselves, for which they require the permission from their parents) - I covered everything up by creating the idea within myself that I love my mother, that my mother loves me, that my mother respects me and supports me, that I respect my mother - to have me feel okay within myself for manipulating my mother all the time.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see what the relationship of me and my mother actually consisted of.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, because I did not want to see.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/ want to see, because I wanted to hold onto the perception that I had of my mohter, because I was planning and on my way to becoming a mother myself as a way of hiding behind the respect, love, gratefulness and trust of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see that becoming a mother is not going to fill any gaps, because mothers aren't really respected, loved, thanked or trusted at all.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/ want to see, because I didn't want to see how I was self-dishonest in manipulating my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge dishonesty as 'wrong' and 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge manipulation as being 'bad' and 'wrong'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having manipulated my mother and father my entire life as being 'bad' and 'wrong'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person if I do not love, respect and thank my parents for real and only create a perception of love, respect and gratitude to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within manipulation, have a secret agenda.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children are supposed to actually love, respect and be grateful for their parents and if not, they are bad children.
I forgve myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was and am a bad child/ daughterbecause I never really loved, respected or thanked my parents, I only created a perception thereof to manipulate my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I actually loved my mother, to cover up the fact that I was manipulating her all the time, to make me feel okay with it within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for never having actually loved, respected or thanked my parents, because what I actually did was manipulate them by giving them what they want so that I could get what i want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something 'wrong' with me because i have never actually loved, respected or thanked my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'right' and 'wrong' as a polarity ofmind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'right' and 'wrong' actually exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'good' and 'bad' as a polarity of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'good' and 'bad' actually exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'good daughter' as a daughter who loves, respects and thanks her parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth and self-value within and as my self-definition and self-image of being a 'good daughter' as a daughter who loves, respects and thanks her parents.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be valuable, to be worthy, I must love, respect and thank my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am now worthless and valueless because I never actually did love, respect or thank my parents.
Okay, back to where I left off before I started about my perception of mothers in this world.
Let’s recapitulate. All that I have described, started with regret. Once you experienced regret, you try to find ways to not have to experience it again. So, you firstly suppress the regret that you have experienced and then you live in constant fear of experiencing regret again and this is what is controlling and directing us in every single moment. So, one thing is, we fear making mistakes and creating fuck ups that will manifest regret and another thing is, we fear the regret that is already here within us that we have suppressed, to come up again. And so we limit ourselves and our expression constantly, firstly because we must not take any risks, we must not step out of the predictable to not create any fuck ups, secondly, because we may not create any havoc in our environment that might ignite the havoc that we have suppressed within ourselves.
So, in one word, how did we design ourselves to deal with regret? Control. Control of our environment and our expression of ourselves. And to keep control in every single moment is tiring, very tiring.
And why? To not face regret, but hide and suppress. To not face ourselves. And we do not respect ourselves, we do not trust ourselves, we are not grateful for ourselves and we do not love ourselves. We go and fill these gaps by looking for the respect, trust, gratefulness and love of others and through others - so that we can continue hiding from ourselves within that, to just not have to face regret, to just not have to face ourselves. Every single day we do all the possible we can to be able to continue hiding from ourselves. That is how we live, that is why we do the things we do, to hide from who we are. Is this living? Fucking hell, no. Are we really willing to continue living like this?
Are we really willing to put ourselves through all this trouble to hide? We can continue living our life this way, trying to keep control and trying to keep everything in place to be able to hide from who we are and what we have allowed - and we will die doing this.
But then we’ll have to face all of ourselves after death anyways. And I must say, the regret to not have stopped here is something I do not wish to experience. Remember, all that we accept and allow to exist within ourselves is what creates this world. I cannot imagine standing before this world, having to answer the question: "Why did you not stop?"
I suggest we stop running from ourselves.
I suggest we drop our attempts to remain in control of our environment and our expression.
And no, what we will face then is not pretty, it is not beautiful, but it is us.
It is unacceptable to try to help others and make sure others are okay, when we do not dare to take responsibility for ourselves first. And to take responsibility for yourself, you must dare to see you, you must dare to face you.
Look at us, we allowed it to come this far that we are afraid of ourselves, petrified of ourselves.
I suggest we face all of us here and see the truth of us. We know we cannot change our past, we cannot change what we have done. But we can forgive ourselves, and so release ourselves from the grip our past has on us and not continue living the exact same experiences over and over again. We can take back the power we gave away to who we were in the past, we can take back the power we gave away to regret, shame, guilt and sorrow. What we have become and what we have done has already created our future, we cannot change that, but we can change ourselves within it. We can decide who we will be within that which we have already created and thus our experiences as well, as we walk through and face ourselves.
I dare you to see - who are you?