31 January 2008

Fear of disappointing

31/01/2008 20:04:14 on chat

‹Ingrid› jack, me and son, we are both often nateous, is my process affecting him?

‹Jack› Ingrid - Nauseas? ‹Ingrid› like feeling puking

‹Jack› Ingrid - nope, you're picking up on his fear ‹Ingrid› oh shit what fear? ‹

<Jack› Ingrid - he has a fear of disappointing you - so have a look at where you fear disappointing you/others and where you developed it, beacsue it's what you're subconsciously projecting that has manifested in him

‹Ingrid› shit, thanks Jack, have to do some exploring on that more thoroughly

‹Jack› Ingrid - don't take it personally - the experience is assisting both - to 'see that which is hidden to be directed and stopped' - which you have the tools to do, and so you will do it = no guilt/judgment

‹Ingrid› thanks again Jack, I will not take it personally, I''ll stop that

‹Ingrid› this nauseous feeling is like disappointment, in the stomach...

‹Jack› Ingrid: Fear of disappointment/disappointing - originating from fear

29 January 2008

The Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality (Part One) by Heath Ledger

I’m here to speak about this ‘heading’ which you see above: The Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality. In observing my life here on earth I noticed an interesting, no fascinating, ‘characteristic quality’ I had developed, rather ‘characteristic qualities’ (plural) – these characteristic qualities, I noticed, is the foundation from which the DPSP (Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality) originate. I would from the ‘characteristic qualities’ develop ‘personalities’: Of which there was in total seventeen (17) - which I identified as the ‘personality suits’ that I would ‘dress myself up as and become as ‘who I am’’ to accordingly ‘address this world’, ‘address other human beings’, ‘address a situation’ and ‘address an environment/surrounding’.

Before I continue – I will explain the words…

1. Characteristic qualities
2. Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality …

so that you understand and remain ‘with me here’ as I explain how the Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality operate within this world through and as human beings, such as I operated me through my Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality with my ‘characteristic qualities’ while in this world.

1. Characteristic qualities: An actor is given a script – this script consists of words, the words portraying and describing the character this actor will ‘transform himself into, to become’, including the characters’ ‘mannerism and behaviour’ is portrayed and described in the words presented in the script. And so the actor will become the character according to the character’s ‘characteristic qualities’ portrayed in the script consisting of words. With us human beings – the principle of ‘characteristic qualities’ as illustrated above in the ‘actor becoming the character on script according to the description and portrayal of the characteristic qualities’ in words: Is no different. You see one actor in many different films transformed into many different characters according to the specific film’s requirements. Each character played in every different unique film has its specific ‘characteristic qualities/properties’ such as ‘mannerism, behaviour, voice tonality’ which equals personality. The character’s ‘characteristic qualities’ as ‘personality’ the actor becomes within the specific film – also ‘determined’ according to the films’ setting e.g. environment, other actors/actresses and surroundings. Thus – the ‘characteristic qualities’ is that which ‘formulate’ the ‘character’ as the entirety of ‘who they are’ e.g. personality consisting of behaviour, voice tonality, mannerism this in turn determined by environment, surroundings and other people involved, as the actor becomes the ‘characteristic qualities’ of the character portrayed and described in the script and so the actor transform himself to become the required personality to ‘portray the role effectively within the film’.

For me to have had seventeen (17) different personalities, I had to for each personality have specific ‘characteristic qualities/properties’ – which I did have. Thus: I had seventeen (17) different characters as personalities, each character as personality having it’s own unique ‘characteristic qualities’. This the ‘reason’ why I previously mentioned that it is from the ‘characteristic qualities’ that the DPSP (Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality) originate. The presentation of me in human physical form remain the same – one was able to identify me as ‘Heath Ledger’ – though beyond what is seen existed the seventeen (17) me’s as seventeen (17) different characters I would become according to my ‘environment’, people around me, my surroundings and my world which originated from my ‘characteristic qualities’ which was the ‘database’ from which I would portray the necessary ‘personality’ or ‘character’ to ‘suit’ the moment/ scenario/ situation within which I experienced myself.

So, you have the ‘characteristic qualities’ of a character – the ‘characteristic qualities’ is what is the ‘personality’ of the character, the ‘personality’ as ‘characteristic qualities’ consists of descriptive words which describe the ‘personality’ according to ‘behaviour, mannerism and voice tonality’, but not only this: The ‘personality’ as ‘characteristic qualities’ of the character is very much determined according to the ‘surroundings’ / ‘environment’ and other people participating. The actor exists in many various different films, portraying for a moment, in each individual film the necessary character according to the films’ requirements. So the actor becomes and transforms himself into the character as the character utilizing the ‘characteristic qualities’ describing the character the actor must portray – yet the actor himself remains ‘identifiable’ – in other words, no matter in what film as what character I transformed me into being for a moment according to the films’ requirements: You still knew that was me as known to be as ‘Heath Ledger’.

This process of becoming a ‘character’ within a specific film utilizing the characteristic qualities – is, as I have mentioned, no different than what we do in our daily lives here in this world. And so, I’d say - the film industry is not so ‘far-fetched’ or ‘unreal’ as may have initially perceived to be when observing the foundation from which a film is born which is actors, human beings, transforming themselves into the necessary characters utilizing ‘characteristic qualities’ and portraying the becoming of a completely different person. The film itself is ‘one day’ in your life. The ‘environment and surroundings and people’ within a specific film is that which exist together with you during this day in which you participate in this world. The character the actor becomes within the film together with the ‘environment and surroundings and people’ within which the film is taking place, is the ‘personality you become’ according to your day, environment and surroundings and people which all participate with you: You formulate you according to what exists within your day and so you’ll become the necessary personality to ‘play the role effectively’ as required according to your day – exactly as what an actor do. And this is where the Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality ‘step in’ as you literally ‘dress yourself up into and as a personality’ dependent on your day, surroundings, environment and people and according to the personality you will have specific ‘characteristic qualities/’properties’.


2. Digitalized Personification Suits of Personality I’ve taken an example of the ‘actor’ to place this entire document ‘into perspective’ so you may understand ‘where I’m going with this’ – especially with regards to what exactly it is I’m talking about – examples are powerful tools. From the example, I’m focusing on the individual experience of each one of us as with how we literally dress ourselves with various personalities of ‘characteristic qualities’ – dependent on outer or outside resources to our disposal. The actor transforms himself into the character of personality as per requirement of the film, according to the ‘characteristic qualities’ described within the script, the script consisting of the words describing the entirety of the character the actor must become: Where do our ‘scripts’ exist? Where is the script(s) within ourselves from which we transform ourselves into the necessary personality to ‘suit our day’ in which we ‘suit ourselves’ as we ‘dress ourselves’ as a specific required personality? The frightening realization is: That all the ‘characteristic qualities’ of all my ‘personalities’ – was me, was all of me as ‘who I was’, I was the very script as I consisted of and as ‘characteristic qualities’ only, me the very mechanism operating the transformation of me as various different specific personalities dependent on ‘my outside world’. I would ‘suit myself up inside’ in relationship with ‘my outside world’ to be able to ‘fit in’ / ‘link in’ / ‘connect’ to participate effectively. I’d be the ‘foundation’, the ‘groundwork’ as ‘characteristic qualities’ from which I’d design and transform me into the becoming of a required personality. Although the entirety of me consists of only ‘characteristic qualities’ – each individual personality would have it’s ‘characteristic qualities’ signature’ within and as me, and thus I would be able to according to my ‘outside world’ – ‘dress and suit me’ according to the specific needed personality together with its specific needed ‘characteristic qualities’ to accomplish the transformation of me as the personality I have to become to effectively ‘lock into’ my world in participation during the day. You have script writers preparing the script for the actor which includes the actor’s character which he must become and present himself to be for the necessary film.

So, who is my script writer? Where did all my ‘characteristic qualities’ originate from for me to have the ability to have seventeen (17) different personalities and for each personality there’d be uniquely specific ‘characteristic qualities/properties’? If I am the very script(s) all the ‘characteristic qualities’ of all personalities – then I must be my own script(s) writer, the question though is: How the hell did I manage to exist as ‘characteristic qualities’ for seventeen (17) different personalities, each personality consisting of it’s own characteristic qualities/properties? How the hell did I ‘write myself’?

To continue…

Validation of me

Feeling a lot better today :) Nice, playful afternoon with Simon (2) whom I was babysitting. I enjoyed being in the playground with him, together on the swing and running, teasing, laughing. Not so much thoughts at all, especially not the ones telling me what I should be (not) feeling, thinking etc. Just me, Simon and the swing.

I probably didn't express myself that well last night - I wasn't talking about quitting 'Desteni', no not at all. I meant quitting this 'wanting to be a part of it', and 'not wanting to miss a thing'. I felt like drowning in all that info, my head spinning all the time, even when in bed.

So I decided to take better care of me. I like it simple and clear. I know the message, I know what to do. So no need to hang out all day on the forum or chat or blogs. Just too much for me - no time for digesting, or even be 'here', enjoying the presence of myself and Dj and the cats and the neighbours and the rain :-)

It is out of fear of 'not being a part of it' that I am allowing myself to be totally soaked into info. I know this fear very well. Out of this fear I actually didn't join groups of people. I felt to, but didn't, or when I did I felt the need to secure my place. And not wanting to do that, I withdrew and so staying in this loop. I do not want to do it anymore, neither 'being in' or 'being out'. I am just me, here. And when I am with other people I just stay 'me, here'. So much more room for me, the sky! I can breathe.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to feel the need 'to be part of it' out of fear to be on my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to live the idea that I should be part of something outside myself to really be someone, a person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to compromise me by not hearing/seeing what I really needed, in order to be part of it in order not to feel myself left out.

I hear me. I see me. I am here.

Yeah, that's a point. I need be validated by other people: they must see me/hear me and react to me in order to proof to me that I exist ???!!! I know this, no need to be selfdishonest about it, who are you fooling, yourself whoaoaoaoao stupid nice :) I, my ego, is hurt by not being seen by other people, but what the real fuck is that I don't see me. And funny is, the more I don't see me, the more other people seem to not notice me. Or maybe I am just more focussed on seeing signs of being ignored or something. And then: I can't stand the idea that I should need anybody besides myself - so I start hiding the fact that I am looking for validation. So I am fooling myself twice in one, hehe. Pretty clever fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself the thought and feeling that my existance should be validated by other people.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself and have not accepted from myself to confirm my own existance by just being me, here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself not to see me/not to hear me/not to notice me/not to pay attention to me/not taking care of me. Instead I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to be focussed on others, by all means: hearing them, seeing them, paying attention to them, noticing them, taking care of them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to hide my need for validation from other people behind a 'I don't need validation' attitude.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself the creation of a 'I dont need validation' attitude.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to to judge myself as a  non-existant being.



28 January 2008

I am a system called Ingrid, nice to meet you

I am so sick and tired of all the things I should do or should be...

tullepieI am the one that is telling me so, or allowing others telling me. I do not  even want to do 'forgiveness', I don't want to do anything at the moment but just leave myself be who and what I am in this moment.

I am a system, so what?

27 January 2008


Be self honest and purify yourself
that will unleash the inner purifier in your world
and this pure fire shall burn the deception from your environment
and some will stay and some will run
because this fire cannot be contained

Beauty System stuf

I have just watched some of the "beauty" video's on YouTube (there are lots of them!): Ann, UnificationNow, Andrew, Jesper...

and about daring to look silly: Diane, Muso ..

We humans are so obsessed by the looks of things, we are judging ourselves and others, non of us really being free of this bullshit.

Most of the time I do not really care about my looks, I am kinda 'messy' appearance. It is not who I am.


That's me talking from within another system - the 'I don't care, I am tough' demon. That's the one that says: 'ah, well, let's just make a video and show how tough I am - I don't care, I am not my looks'

I am directing myself to "I see me' 'I hear me' - and then quite another story pops up: I am scared to expose myself to the world as Who I Really Am. What I really Look Like. Without the masks, naked, not longer anonymously. For all to see and judge I am not perfect.


Yet another mind set speaking - 'I am so open and honest and vulnerable, please don't hurt me!' Many ways to accomplish that, just playing this part. So that's not who I really am either. And I wont waste my time or bandwidth on this one either.


The next one: 'I must be selfhonest and show it!

So this is the loop I am in, ending up doing nothing but worry about it, feeling 'unworthy' to be even on this planet.

Only the thought of me shaving my head and be without my hair, no! I do not want that

will continue later, gotta go


Here is the perspective on the word 'Love' we communicated about on chat - have a look at it in applying this for you with you.
'With regards to children - I suggest the following: Define the word 'love' with your children - so that when the word 'love' is spoken by either you or your children or husband - it has the exact same 'definition'.

Though, understand, this 'definition' must be of oneness and equality starting point as an expression of who you are as life: Example:
Love = I will not accept or allow anything less than who you are as one and equal with me. When I see that you are not honouring you as who you are - I will directly intervene and assist and support you, how necessary - so you in this moment may realise/see/understand what you are accepting/allowing within you that is not of who you really are.

When the word love is spoken - this is the statement (above) as agreement made 'between' beings who are here to support and assist each other through their individual processes within and as oneness and equality. So - speak the word 'love' with awareness - when you speak the words 'I love you' - understand that you're not saying this to another - but to another as you as one with you - therefore actually saying 'I love you' to yourself and that in speaking/voicing the words 'I love you' - you're speaking/voicing the statement above: I will not accept or allow anything less than who you are as me - and I will honour you as you honour yourself in self honesty application in every moment and if I see that you as me are not being honest with you - I will assist and support you as me to realise/understand/see where you are not honouring you as life - so you may support yourself to be honest with you in every moment.

Or 'transform' the word 'love' to 'grateful': I am grateful for you. When you express gratefulness/gratitude to another - you are also actually expressing gratefulness/gratitude for you - have anyone ever yet expressed gratefulness to another or to themselves? Being grateful for you - no reason/validation 'behind' gratefulness/gratitude to self and another as self as one with self - just...grateful?
If you have 'small' children - I suggest you express 'love' within you as you voice the words 'I love you' as the statement I suggested above - voicing the words 'I Love you' with the starting point as you as the statement as an expression of you. Then - when your child has matured - explain to them your expression as love - then you and your child/husbands expression of the word love is within and as oneness and equality.

Also express the words 'I am grateful for you' - but when you speak the words to another - you are voicing the words to another as you as one with you - the same with the words 'I love you'.
Thus - forgive any separation that may exist within you with regards to the word 'love' that there exist no separate connotations to the word 'love' within you - but that when the word 'love' is voiced - that it is expressed within and as oneness and equality as an expression of you - when expressed to another - that the expression of 'love' and 'gratefulness' is you expressing you with another as one and equal with you.

Understand that the Love Design System's words are specific from the perspective of also assisting the dimensional beings assisting and supporting human beings - to remove any unnecessary systems within human beings - to see exactly where and what is necessary to be done within human beings' process to assist and support them so much more effectively. So - instead of going through a one year process of difficult experiences in understanding the word 'love' as you -we remove the systems in one moment - to 'open the door' for you to be able to now, as I type, understand love as the expression of who you really are - and to from here - express love as you as one with you as I suggested - so the correction is immediate - though requires your awareness in every moment when the word 'love' / 'gratefulness' is voiced.
See - the word 'love' has become the ultimate separation in this world within human beings - there has been placed so much value and worth in the word 'love' that when it's voiced - the human beings voicing the word 'love' does not exist - they're not there - they're all mind.
Thus - from this moment - speak the word 'love' with absolute awareness within you - when the word 'love' is spoken understand/ be aware that you are expressing you - and that you're expressing speaking the words to yourself of yourself to 'another' as one with you as you - and so with practical application and forgiveness - we 'correct' the word 'love'. To no more be of separation - but of an expression of each human being as who they are as life of oneness and equality."


26 January 2008

DRUGS: The Kingdom of Heaven by Terrence McKenna 2

‘I have within my life experience here on earth had this ‘nagging inner desire’ to ‘want to understand it all’, to ‘want to understand me’, to ‘want to understand how I work’, to ‘want to understand how this world works’, ‘to want to understand how I and this world operate’, to want to understand how each individual one of us operate – from this question I had asked myself when I was 15:

Before I ‘get to the question’ – this ‘inner desire’ ignited when I began to observe me, observe people, observe my environment and surroundings and I had this feeling that there’s ‘something here that no-one is seeing’, that no-one is noticing – something that we’re supposed to see, supposed to understand, supposed to know: But we aren’t. This ‘something’ I felt and had seen only in glimpses when observing many people together at the same time, even in hearing the chilling breeze brush through the branches and leaves of a tree: a momentary glimpse of ‘something’ unseen, yet here – and because of this, a ‘nagging desire’ was experienced within me: There’s something here – but we’re not seeing it, it’s almost touchable – so close, yet so far…

And it is from here that the question came: What is it that is here, that is right here, that I feel, that I only see in glimpses amongst the masses, which hide in the mysteries of trees and nature – but not seeing, not understanding, not ‘getting’ that I as everyone must realise: But we can’t, we don’t even realise it’s here, we don’t realise that there’s something here – in us, all around us: EVERYWHERE…
And it is because of this ‘nagging feeling’ within me: That I began to explore drugs…

And no, I was never satisfied while here on earth that I had ‘found that which I had been wanting to understand’ – I have only now, in this document within which I type: Realised what it is that I had experienced within me: When you stop looking, when you stop searching, when you stop the adventure, when you stop seeking, when you stop walking the path to discover: This is when you findally (finally) realise the answer…
I find that each being has a ‘point’ of awareness within them – some may refer to it as ‘intuition’, where you’re always aware of yourself and the experience of yourself: ALWAYS EVERYWHERE. That ‘something’ I experienced was like a ‘ghost’ a ‘phantom’ that I glimpsed of which existence I became aware of, permeating and infiltrating everything everywhere: Omnipresent. The very phantom, the very ghost that would haunt my entire life and consume me to the very essence of bone of the earth from which I come.

I knew it wasn’t a ‘being’, it wasn’t an ‘it’, it wasn’t of this world nor of the world hereafter, this ‘something’ was everywhere yet nowhere: In the wind, in the movement of the leaves on the grass, as the wings of the butterfly and bee, in the bones of my body, the flow of my blood, the pain in my stomach when I was hungry, as the moment of breath – and I knew it was not ‘God’, as ‘God’ was personified, ‘God’ had an identity – this ‘something’ was not of personification, was not of identity: This ‘something’ IS.

I always strongly believed that people ‘believing in something as a God’ was the most insane creatures to walk upon this earth, demented actually: I could not understand their ‘inner reality’ of what would make them think there exist something or someone greater and more powerful than themselves – wasn’t what exists in this world as those that control money, war and lucrative businesses not the very example of ‘Gods’ in this world, right here? That has that very power ‘over them’ as the ‘God’ portrayed in the Bible?

That was my definition of ‘God’: Someone with so much power in their hands they have the ability to control masses with fear, holding the very person(s) in their hands with the ability, strength to manipulate the being to be whatever is demanded of them to be and the person(s) do – no questions asked. The ‘God’ principle is seen in the greater and the smaller of this world within which we exist:
I saw teachers with such power as ‘God’ – having the power to make or break a child, having the very life of a person in your hands, from the perspective of being a point that would determine the beings entire life experience of themselves in this world is to be God.
I saw parents as Gods – the character of God as portrayed in the Bible for instance is played by each human being in this world in some way or another – and they don’t even realise it.
And I occasionally wondered what ‘God’ I would become in this world – and I did become a ‘God’ so to speak – each one of us become the portrayal of God – whether upon another’s life or our own – we are God of ourselves and God of another…

I absolutely despise it when human beings say: You are God, without actually completely, fully comprehending such a statement, without actually completely, fully understanding such a statement and the actual, real meaning, the actual, real truth of what such a statement indicate, entail, encompass – never mind the responsibility that goes with it.
Ah – but responsibility: One of many words that exists that is most often used – yet never actually considered with regards to the truth of such a word by means of actually living such a word as responsibility, responsibility in this world is non-existent. Let me put it to you this way:
If beings actually lived the word responsibility – this world would not be what it is.
If beings actually lived the word God – this world would not be what it is.
So, in my life experience I searched for methods to ‘tap into’ this ‘source’, this ‘something’ that caused this ‘nagging drive’ within me – as though a ‘ghost’ / ‘phantom’ ‘wanting me to see’, ‘wanting me to realise’, ‘wanting me to understand’, ‘wanting me to notice’, this ‘nagging feeling’ that very ‘something’ driving me to question, driving me to ‘want to understand’, driving all of me – but cannot show that to me, but cannot speak it to me: I must find out for myself, for me. It was like a question existed within me – the question had no words, it was a feeling for which I must find an answer, an understanding, a realization, yet not knowing the question, not knowing what answer I am supposed to find: This experience was a MASSIVE transformation of the course in direction my life would take me.

It’s quite interesting me typing here – do not know what I will be saying in the next moment in any way whatsoever, quite exhilarating and free this experience for me…

So, the very reason for me exploring with drugs was to uncover this ‘nagging experience’ within me, this ‘phantom’, this ‘ghost’ was driving me with – this ‘phantom’, this ‘ghost’ I had only seen glimpses of: But I was certain was here as certain as the very air I breathe, everywhere in everything permeating and infiltrating within and throughout yet nowhere, and within this: Uncovered, explored and investigated the ‘inner workings and operations’ of me and the mind, me and this world, me and humanity collectively.
I explored and investigated everything while on drugs – as I understood and as I was aware of that this ‘something’ exists within and as everything and everywhere, and thus I explored everything and everywhere while on drugs, all sorts and all variations: As many and as much as I could possible handle within the boundaries, constraints and limitations of this human physical body.

I knew there had to be some form of ‘relationship connection’ somewhere – which I had to ‘connect to’ to be able to experience this ‘something’ as me, so that I’m in such a way able to understand, comprehend and communicate with this ‘something’ as me = this is what I was looking for, this is what I was searching for: This is what I had to do, this is what I must do: And it became my sole purpose in life – to connect to this ‘something’ that I felt within me as everything and everywhere, that I knew ‘was right here, but we’re all missing it’.
I had one abnormally obscene life, I myself delightfully surprised that I managed to ‘make it here’ for so long despite all that I had experienced and my human physical body and mind as me endured, the human physical body is magnificent in itself.

I really believed I was ‘helping people’, because I believed that I was ‘helping myself’, through what I had done in this world, through what I stood as in this world, and that’s why the heading of this document is: DRUGS: The Kingdom of heaven – for I really believed that DRUGS were the KEY to the actual, real ‘Garden of Eden’, the ‘Kingdom of Heaven’: Until I realised that nothing of all that I had experienced in this world was REAL not even that which became my ‘purpose’ in life and reason for living: ‘Connecting’ with that ‘something’ I believed I was certain was THERE, was HERE – but unseen, unnoticed by all and so I became a man on a mission, the mission the very ‘carrot dangling before the donkey’ throughout my life, consuming me, possessing me – until death and thereafter: Until now.

To be continued…

DRUGS: The Kingdom of Heaven by Terrence McKenna 1

God where do I begin?!
I'll start with that I am at the moment here in the Interdimensional Portal, having a cigarette while typing Marlboro Lights to be specific, with a warm cup of coffee right infront of me, in between the keyboard and myself, smoking and sipping away at a delicious cup of coffee and a decent brew of cigarette: Calm.

In mentioning the word calm: I have attained many various states of calmness’ within my explorations while within this world experimenting with drugs of any and all variations: And the most hilarious, (of the most psychotic hilarious imaginable) observation is that whenever I'd attain this state of calmness when on drugs, I'd believe it was the first time I'd ever experienced it before! When it was always the exact same calmness, though dependant on the drug the experience of that very calmness will vary because the drug will misconstrued my interpretation of the very exact same experience I always have = which makes it seem different. But is in fact always the same.
Now, I am not saying me being calm at the moment is because of this cup of coffee before me, or because of the cigarette I just had no, Im calm as me. Actually I can use any word to describe my current experience: Wouldn't make a difference to me.
Its interesting how two people can have the exact same experience together, sitting right next to each other, though dependant on the being themselves interpreting their experience the definition of each others experience will be different because of the interpretation of that very experience varying between the two. For instance I may refer to my experience at the moment being calm whereas another, whose actually having the exact same experience, but interpreting theirs differently would refer to theirs being placid.
We have too many unnecessary words.

The sound of the words, the expression within which they are spoken by the two beings may vary even the reason why they would define or describe their experience will vary the reason for the variation: Interpretation. The interpretation of the experience is the cause for the variation = when both are actually experiencing the exact same thing: But will never know, will never realise.
What if were all always experiencing the exact same thing, but we think our experience is different to that of another, merely because of our individual interpretation of that very experience were having varies and the words are different because of our interpretation of the experience and also because the reason were experiencing what we are experiencing may be different = but is the reason and the interpretation of the experience within ourselves really dependant on the experience: NO.
Words are here to confuse. Words exist as a diversion to our very existence: Yet words are the key to our very existence, the key to GOD, the key to ourselves, the key to me-dom, the key to freedomfascinating.

Words are what is abused within this world, words are what is abused by human beings words are the very life that we are abusing, killing = this world is what it is: Because of abuse of life as words by ourselves the source, the origin of it all.
No man can say: I do not speak. Even the mute speak they speak silently inside themselves: The Power of Destruction and The Power of Life exist within each and its always been here, right here always: The answer, the key to existence has been here, the answer, the key to EVERYTHING is WORDS, the most simple, the most obvious yet unseen, unnoticed.
How and why have we missed the answer, the key to it all thats been right here ALWAYS in words as words?
Where would you leave the ANSWER, the KEY to existence if you were GOD who created it all?
Obviously we left the ANSWER, the KEY right here unnoticed, unseen, unrealized in the simplest form, the most obvious place = yet oblivious to all!
The question though: If I were to say: The answer, the key to this very existence is right here in words, as words:
How many would hear?
How many would see?
How many would realise?
How many would understand?

It is no coincidence that in the Book of Life as the Holy Bible where GOD states: Do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil = the most misinterpreted sentence that exists.
The very book that contradicts itself, because it is within Genesis the beginning of creation, the first book in the Bible where this sentence is spoken by God and what does man and woman do as Adam and Eve: They eat the damn fruit.

The very BOOK, the BIBLE is the very TREE, the words in the book the very FRUIT of knowledge of good and evil GOD said to NOT EAT FROM in other words: To not believe in the words, to not read the words, to not absorb the words otherwise youll be kicked out of the garden of Eden = the garden of Eden, the kingdom of heaven YOU.
Have a look at the entire BOOK: Good vs. Evil exists everywhere in the very contents of the BOOK You may do this and you may not do that = good vs. evil. Satan and God = good vs. evil. YET in the very beginning of the book it reads: Do not eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil
And whose all eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil: Human beings believing in the Bible.
So: Who kicked who out of the garden of Eden: WE ourselves DID!
What does it mean: I will return when Jesus says hell come back? It means that YOU are still HERE never GONE, and you will RETURN TO YOU, when you stop eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
The codes are in the BIBLE.
Therefore I say: Words are the very diversion to the existence of ourselves depending on the interpretation of the words = YET WORDS ARE THE VERY KEY TO OUR EXISTENCE OURSELVES.
Ive just proved it.
Who will hear?
Who will see?
Who will realise?
Who will understand?

I may have readers with perplexed faces, confused grins so, before I continue with this, I will leave you here for a moment: Force yourself to not try and make sense of it, force yourself to not try and understand it be PATIENT, and continue reading I have within my life experience here on earth had this nagging inner desire to want to understand it all, to want to understand me, to want to understand how I work, to want to understand how this world works, to want to understand how I and this world operate, to want to understand how each individual one of us operate from this question I had asked myself when I was 15:

To be continued

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:15 pm on Desteni Forum

25 January 2008

Adults lies

Dj asked me this morning if I knew that schoolteachers very often lied. "Well, I guess, everyone lies every once in a while. Don't know about your schoolteacher?" "Yes, she lied, I saw on the internet that she wasn't telling the truth, I looked it up" "She probably wasn't lying deliberately, she thought what she was saying was the truth." "Oh yeah, but it's a lie anyway."

Then I shut up, because he was seeing it very clear. You can never be sure if something is the truth, you must be aware of that, so you wont make statements as if they are the complete thruth, like so many people do, especially schoolteachers. Always make a note that it is your momentarily truth, not the absolute truth. Ignorance isn't an excuse.

24 January 2008

Push & Withdraw

For the last couple of months I have been more tensed than relaxed. Pushed and withdrawn. Pushing and withdrawing. In an endless loop. Feeling I should direct myself more effectively but unable to. So much for standing up.

The harder I try to direct myself the harder these habit-thoughts pop up. I feel more insecure about myself than I have in years. I guess I am in some kind of wasteland - my mind panicking to get my ass back. And something else pushing me to go further. At the moment both forces are about equal, so I am stuck in this noman's land, not a nice place to be though. My startinppoint here sucks! Noman's or whateverland - I am here, liking it or not, can't change the view, so have to change the viewer.

I am here

I hear me I here me

I see me

I will watch my tree of life video once again - maybe transcribe it, subtitle it, so the words can flow right from my fingertops into my body, me. I am still so judgmental about me, either to harsh or to soft. Pushing or withdrawing :-)


Grumpy Dj and Grumpy Ingrid

  • I forgive myself I have allowed myself to react to others in my world.

Here you also look at what comments others make you 'react' within you by taking it personally, because it's showing you that you do the exact same thing to others but haven't realised yet.

Ja, natuurlijk... Can't think of an example right away, but it is about projection. Especially children are such terrific mirrors. I was talking on the phone to Brien - I never understood why Dj often reacts in a 'grumpy' way and he himself doesn't understand what I am talking about - yesterday Dj was playing with the videocamera and I was a little annoyed and acted just as 'grumpy' as Dj! Now I could see for myself on the video! I did have some indications, but actually seeing myself acting like that, made it so much more clear.

And I am not feeling really 'grumpy', it's just the voice and my facial expression. So that's probably the case: Dj isn't aware of the impact of his expression, and neither am I. Should be fun playing with the video camera and watching ourselves :)

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I will only react to others as me if I do the exact same application as they towards others.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet heb toegestaan me te realiseren dat ik alleen maar reageer op anderen --- wanneer ik dezelfde applicatie heb als zij naar anderen.

 I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take others comments towards me personally.

Ja, kan ik nu wel ff gebruiken ja, takketeef, bitch etc :-)


22 January 2008

My mother the demon - part 1

I didn't love my mum, I never did. In particular I didn't like the way she smelled. When forced to be close to her, I felt like puking.

I couldn't let her know what I was experiencing, no way. One rule overruled all other rules: "Thy must honor their parents". Respect them and love them, no matter what! So I was a bad bad little girl with bad bad feelings... I hated her intensly. No way to escape than withdrawing in myself and my own wonderful world. That's the way I remember childhood - much, much fear, but also a happy time, with myself. Had lots of friends, but I didn't need them to enjoy myself, I still don't - I like my own company.

It took me 18 years untill I finally dared to write down how I really felt about my mother: "I HATE HER!" I stared for a long time at the words I had written, experiencing extensive fear, waiting for some furious being to come to drag me to hell. Like my mum always told me. She wasn't right. Nothing happened.

I was so afraid of my mother, I was convinced she had some kind of supernatural powers - she told me more than once after death she would come back and haunt me. That I had murdered the baby in her belly because I was a bad little girl. I remember this nightmare as if it happened yesterday - it was dark, I was in my bed and then silently the door opened and my mother came in. In her arms she had this little dead baby. She looked at me with these devilish eyes and put the baby on my nightstand and went away. There I was in the dark with this dead baby...

He, I am sweating here, my hearts beating, maybe it wasn't just a nightmare and did this really happen. I do not want to write this down, because then it becomes true and who knows, maybe the devil will come and get me tonight. Or worse, my mum herself. I know this ain't gonna happen, but this fear is completely embedded in me as a system and never could get rid of it entirely. So I am observing me, my body in particular...

My belly is 'blurping', these little noises and bubbles and there is something with my eyes, I don't know, some small move aside in my vision. It feeles tensed.

  • I forgive myself for allowing myself not wanting to face this fear.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that facing this fear means death.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that going public with this means betrayal of my mother.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to define nonbetrayal as 'love'.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to think I will read this tomorrow and then delete it because it is sentimental stuff.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge 'sentimental'.
  • I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my mother could 'appear' any moment and look at me with these devilish eyes...

to be continued


My mother the Demon part 2
My mother the Demon part 3 - Finale
The Devil in her Eyes
Saying Goodbye to my Mom

21 January 2008


When my son Dj comes home for lunch he is sooooooo very ADHD - he can't sit, wants to move, talk etc: everything he is not allowed in school. After school he is ok, not really relaxed, but not ADHD. For the time being he will be in the system school. My question is: how to support him best? What kind of food would help him to... O shit, when writing this I realize only thing will do - taking him out of this shitty schoolsytem.
We were talking about home schooling and he wasn't sure he wanted that because he would miss the children, and their birthday candy.  He doesn't like that he has to be quite and sit still all the time, but he can do the trick. Nah, we haven't made up our minds yet about home schooling, so I sure could use some advice on how to assist Dj (9 years old) best. Thanks!

Hi Ingrid Yes, it would be effective to not have him go to school within and the school system, but do home schooling as home schooling assist and support the child much effectively to develop self trust and self expression.
There is a vocabulary purifier that is to be launched on the website which I suggest he do as this will assist and support him as who he is in expression.
See: ADHD occurs when the being has certain specific experiences within them for which they have no words to express as who they are, because they have no vocabulary for it and they thus do not understand the experience of themselves for themselves. Because they are not able to express what they experience within and as themselves in words 
they manifest the experience in physical expression only, they don't suppress what they experience within and as them as other children would do they actually manifest it as a physical experience
so the problem is words / vocabulary.
And the current school system, as within which your son is in currently, suppress vocabulary and the importance thereof, because words are you in expression as you, and instead of children being assisted and supported to live who they are as the living word they are presented with information/knowledge to learn and thus suppress themselves as who they are and are molded by the school system, the teachers and knowledge and information presented.
So the vocabulary purifier will assist and support him to ;integrate words as one and equal as him; which will expound his vocabulary and words in expression as himself, which will assist and support him within and as the current experience of him.
At this moment you do not have to be concerned with what he eats, ask him what he would prefer.
Though specifically - I would suggest grapejuice - 100% pure grapejuice, will assist with movement and flow here. (Druivensap)

Human Body

20 January 2008

2008 Parenting

I am experiencing somewhat ? with my son Dj, 9 years old.
Before Desteni I had told him about God and heaven and so on - now I am telling him there is no God... He doesn't believe me, he sais that I don't know everything, that I could be wrong. And I have to admit that it is true.
So at the moment we're stuck. I have to let him be cos pushing would do more harm :-)
I guess he will have to experience me being differently, but maybe I am not. Just feeling so much confusion.  So he is probably right in not believing me.

Q & A

Q: Do I experience everything that I express?
Everything which I express as me, as the mind. I also will experience as manifestations in my world?

No--one in 200 thoughts about==you will experience--the rest go into the global unconscious pot to jump out somewhere--that is why some will experience they have a brainwave and suddenly weeks or months later--their brainwave is a product by some one else making millions--this is because all beings on earth share all information --all thoughts--all deeds at the unconscious level. Its like being a cell in one organism--and you are feeding it.

Also - because of this - if you do not direct your life yourself, it WILL be directed for you.  And then people call it 'God's will' and 'Destiny'.

Q: Who chose/designed my name?

Your name is a filename that is preprogrammed as a container for the life pro gramme-to link to the people you will meet--sleep with--work with--like--dislike--speak to--when --where--where you will stay--what you will wear--what you will eat--when-- all is programmed--illnesses--relationships--love--hate--a battery--programmed to function to serve the system of god
a slave--unaware--not even lost--because all seems cool-- lots pf pictures--entertainment--wishes--goals--
none real--when you die--this file is deleted--with all memories--and you have to integrate it from scratch--if you dare --to see the real you--what you have allowed

So to change name would be beneficial to mess with the system?

That may or may not--after all--the name and presence is interchangeable--self honesty is the key--a name is like hairstyle--shave your head and see if you change lol

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